Shoutout Saturday (My favourite YouTubers)

Hey guys! So, like every other teenager, I spend an inordinate amount of time on YouTube–definitely more time than I spend watching TV. YouTube just feels so much more authentic and accessible to me, I don’t know. So, with all of that time spent on that side of the internet, I’ve amassed some favourites. These are only a small slice of the people I watch, so if I want I’ll probably do a part two, but this is all I really had time to write this week.

Okay! On to the post.

Dominic Noble

My friend introduced me to this channel, and I’m so glad she did! I’m a huge book nerd, and often don’t feel entirely comfortable talking about those interests. So I really love finding other people online who care this much about reading, I guess. His channel is a sort of combination of your typical book review content, meets a commentary video. I love how he dives into certain areas of literature (like Amish romance novels, or the Twilight series) that most people would just laugh at–with an open mind. He just seems like such a lovely person, and every time I watch his videos, I come away feeling a bit better than I did before.

I’m so used to automatically being afraid of men, I guess, and always having to assume the worst. His channel serves as a really nice reminder to me that not all men are awful. It always makes me feel safe, and I just appreciate him so much for being a nice person.


I don’t talk about this online, but I’m kind of a huge fashion geek. I often struggle with feeling out of control, and there’s something about putting together a relatively nice outfit, to help me feel just a little bit more in charge.

It’s so rare to find a fashion YouTuber who doesn’t feel like they would have bullied you in middle school–and so refreshing when you finally do. Ashley’s fashion style/general aesthetic is immaculate, and although that’s definitely why I subscribed to her originally, I think why I really fell in love with her content was just how real she is. Watching her videos feels like catching up with an old friend, and her channel has just been a really safe space for me, throughout the past year. Also, her editing style is so beautiful; every video leaves you feeling like you’ve just watched a short film.

So, yeah, give her videos a watch–I promise you won’t regret it.

Bernadette Banner

I love history.

I love learning how people used to live. I love knowing where certain trends or ideas came from originally. I love knowing that… the world has been around for a really long time.

I also have a weird relationship with sewing. I unironically love a lot of traditionally feminine jobs–I get real satisfaction out of cleaning, and cooking, and baking, and taking care of others. It makes me feel really good to know I can fend for myself if necessary. I love making other people happy with little things, like a soup I made, or a homemade cake, and I’m a big believer in making things from scratch. Anyhow, to be honest, sewing is the one housewife skill I just have not been able to learn so far. Instead, I live vicariously through watching people like Bernadette remake historical gowns on YouTube.

Her videos have such a calming quality to them. Her whole aesthetic is iconic, and her videos also have that short-film kind of feel. A well, they’re insanely well-researched and informative. You can really tell she loves what she does–and whenever I feel doubtful about this whole writing thing, I watch her videos–and it makes me remember what being passionate about things is supposed to look/feel like. (I explained that badly, but I can’t think of any better way to put it into words.) Also, I’ve gradually been amassing sewing tips from her channel, and am going to attempt to thrift-flip my Halloween costume, from this oversized pinstripe suit I got for six bucks to something hopefully better. So I’ll let you know about any updates on that!

Anyhow! I am not great at writing reviews, but I hope you’ll check these people out anyway, because they all make me so happy.

Lots of love,


social media and an update on my life

so, hi there! how are you doing? are you functioning? i’m kind of functioning maybe? of late, i’ve been actually trying to, you know, take care of myself, which is honestly a little bit of a foreign concept. i’ve been recording videos for the youtube channel a lot, and yes, i am doing the thing where because youtube is new in my life i’m deciding to throw myself at the thing with all my might. which then leads to me burning myself out. and that really sucks.

also, i’m doing my own poetry performance in my town, so the youtube channel is kind of a performance mechanism. so far, most of the poems i’ve uploaded there are ones i’m going to read. i try to edit one poem a day–i have them all written and stuff, and i’ve got a rough sketch of the order they’ll be in, but i still need to figure out the rest. so yeah. not sure if the regular posting thing is going to be somewhat sustainable after july ends, but we’ll see what happens. 🙂

i’ve been trying to stop punching myself as hard as i can. i recently read the book girl in peices by kathleen glasgow, which is about a 17-year-old girl who self-harms. she describes self-harm as a kind of escape mechanism, a way of numbing the pain. that’s what self-harm is for me, too. whenever everything feels like it’s falling apart, or i feel overwhelmed or out of control… that’s the first place i go. it’s been a lot better now that i’m making an active effort to get on top of my overeating and self-harm, and i have an app called calm harm that i highly recommend for anyone who struggles with self-harm. anyway, but this afternoon, i cracked.  i was in a fight, and it was getting too much for me and the person disapproved a lot of one of my decisions. and the feelings just sort of kept rising. so i ended up going into the office in my house and closing the door and punching my thighs until i felt better. and… it does feel better, afterward. that doesn’t mean it’s a healthy coping mechanism, and in no way am i endorsing self-harm. but afterward, it feels empty, and that…. that feeling is addictive. especially for someone who is constantly in her feelings. and i know if i was more able to talk about it with ease, i could work through it a lot faster, which is something i’m trying my hardest to do. but talking about my weaknesses is hard, especially when i just changed therapists, so i don’t entirely really trust the new person i’m talking to, and i’m still not sure whether we’re a good match or not. my old therapist was always willing to let me steer our conversations, because she knew that i worked best when i was managing myself and mostly i just needed her to listen to my emotional vomit and interject and help iron out my mind a bit. but this new therapist seems like she’s more trying to control the conversation and plan things out and plot my life into neat boxes, which is probably because she was trained to work with teenagers, and because i’m mature for my age, and it usually gets people really surprised. which kind of drives me mental. it gets exhausting after a while, always being the anomaly. the different one. anyway, it’s not necessarily a bad thing… but it is difficult. and i was starting to form a bond with my first therapist, and now i basically can’t talk to her again. which really hurts. i don’t know how to handle things being gone from my life. and what i really mean by that is, i don’t know how to handle change. i don’t know how to handle feeling like other people control me, partially because in a quiet way… i feel out of control constantly. out of control because of society, out of control because of the universe, out of control because of self-harm and overeating and insecurity and depersonalization and negative self-talk and intrusive thoughts and anxiety. it’s enough when it’s just all of that internal out-of-control-ness. but when that feeling surrounds me outside, too, when i feel like someone else defines me more than i define me. i fall apart. sometimes out loud, sometimes inside.

good non-depressing things that have happened to me this week
  • a week ago i gave myself a pixie cut on impulse. literally on impulse. i had thought about it all morning and i was set on doing it by the time i got home around 1p.m.. i panicked at first, and i was super worried i wouldn’t look feminine and people would judge me for it and many panic attacks were had over it. now i just love it, because my hair is short and goddamn it long hair is irritating and i didn’t even realize how irritating it was until this moment OH MY GOD. also, short hair makes me feel really badass and confident, and it kind of helps me feel less anxious.
  • i have decided that i want a tattoo in the long-term future and i’m proud of myself for this decision because my parents hate tattoos and because disagreeing with people and doing things without anyone’s validation is really hard for me.
  • today i went swimming and walking on my own, which is something i haven’t done in a long time (walking) and have also never done (swimming). i know, i know. up until now, i kind of just assumed that if you wanted to go to the beach you couldn’t do it without another person.
  • i’m lowkey thinking about taking martial arts classes or trying to teach myself over the summer or sometime in september, because i want to not feel helpless of like i’m at the whims of other people, and i feel like that might help me feel more in control of my own body, which might maybe ease the intrusive thoughts. like i can defend against the monsters in my head too, somehow. like i said above, i feel controlled a lot, and i hate that feeling, and i want to do as many things as possible to fight that if it’s at all possible.

so there you go. that’s my mind in a nutshell right now, and i feel a little better now i’ve gotten all of that out. have a complimentary youtube video. this poem was super popular in february, so ENJOY IT UNIVERSE. i might repost the edited, good-as-new version later. ❤

my wattpad can be viewed here,  my tumblr can be viewed here, and my youtube channel can be viewed here. the poems that i posted today can be read here and here, and the poems i posted last friday can be read here, here, here, here, and here. if you need to talk to anyone about any of the things discussed in this post, view this masterlist of international hotlines here. i know this is hard to remember, and i know it doesn’t always feel like this, but having mental illness does not make you weak, crazy, ugly, wrong, worthless, or incapable of love. it makes you strong. ❤

announcements and youtube

hello universe! how are you doing? i hope you’re doing better than i am.

i’ve been struggling a lot with getting enough sleep, which has led to a whole bunch of other stuff. i’ve been checking things a lot and having a lot of compulsions, which really sucks, not to mention that my brain generally associates exhaustion with depression. in terms of poetry, that makes my worst days really productive… but in terms of my mental health, it’s horrible. yesterday, i honestly felt like my brain was just slowly melting away. i’ve been having a lot of intrusive thoughts, and because it’s been so hard to sleep it means my brain is less likely to be able to dispute them. often it feels like my brain is being yanked out of my skull by someone else. like i’m only barely in control of myself. i’m trying to sleep more, but honestly, late nights are a huge refuge for me, and for a couple hours when my brain is silent and everything is peaceful and easy. which means i’m usually up until around midnight, and when i usually get woken up at seven, that means i’m only get seven hours of sleep when i’m supposed to be getting nine. and then i feel terrible the next day, and the cycle continues. i’m trying to deal with it, and i know at some point i’ll feel better… i’m just not sure when that someday is going to come around.

another thing that’s really been bugging me is the summer break. as you can tell, i’m making a major effort to keep myself busy and stimulated at all times. normally, summer is when my anxiety gets at its worst, because there’s a complete lack of schedule. i end up stuck in my house for hours on end, desperately trying to escape the tick-tock of my head. i’m really determined to not let that happen this year. but i’m also scared that it is going to happen. that’s part of why i’m making this massive of an effort to overwork myself. it helps to have something to put your mind to; otherwise i just spin around in circles indefinitely.

like i said above, i hope that you’re doing better than i am, but if you need to talk to anyone, here’s a masterlist of international crisis lines for you. ❤

so, on a more technical note, i have suddenly realized how simple it is to make a basic youtube video with a pretty looking cover photo. so from now on, i’m going to be posting youtube videos whenever i have enough time to do a spoken word recording, which is given i’m on summer break, probably about once a week. i’ll probably set up a regular posting system sometime later on, but right now honestly i’m wanting to give myself some time to figure out the whole youtube thing. after that, i’ll work out a posting day and i’ll probably post once a week, or something like that. over the summer, i’m gonna try and get into spoken word a lot, both online and offline, so expect a lot more spoken word in the future. if you want to check out my youtube channel, you can either click the youtube icon at the top of my blog or do that here. i’ve posted two videos as i write this on my youtube, and you can listen by using the below videos. 🙂

hopefully, there are more videos soon to come. 🙂

in case you missed it, i have three stories on wattpad now, all of which are steadily gaining readership. you can read them here, here, and here. 🙂

also! poems went up today! yay! read them here, here, here, here, and here. hope you like them. 🙂

big hug and deep breath,


quick announcement

hey guys! i don’t have much time to go into depth about this, and i’ll give you a big massive post all about my social media and blogging plans over the summer, but right now all i have the time to say is that I AM ON YOUTUBE!!! listen to “while listening to sleeping at last” in the video below and tell me what you think in the comments, and if you have youtube remember to hit the thumbs up button. 🙂