daze

these days, it all seems to blend together like different colours of paint on a pallette, congealing into brown and grey. and the sun streams through my bedroom window, but i don’t have time to go out today. i come home tired, and i wake up worse. i scroll through my phone, and i waste my time away, then stay up ‘til midnight in a panicked daze. yeah, these days i don’t know what i’m going to do next. what my life is going to look like in a year. these days my feet ache, and my back is sore, and every success makes me wonder when i won’t be able to do this anymore. and i walk slow around the halls of my childhood home, trying to memorize every creak in the floor. ‘cause you hate it ‘til you’re already standing halfway out the door. i lie awake ‘til two and i can’t get to sleep. i hope it mattered to somebody, i hope there’s at least one person’s life i’ve improved. these days i spin around my mind,  ‘cause i’m just terrified i’ll lose you too. i go to school. i go to work. i close my eyes and let it fade. i watch each second pass in the clock on my computer, and i wonder if i’m wasting away. i get my bed all nice and made. try to smile at the little things, and look on the bright side. it’s just another one of those days.

dreams

i’ve got dreams that ache like honeycomb

i’ve got a heart that’s in too deep

standing in the ocean, water up to my knees

trying to find my direction

trying to get out of this, god, please

i’ve got dreams like pressed flowers

staining book pages, crumbling in my palms

i’ve got dreams that feel more like curses

like i’m tantalus, sitting in my fucking pond

i’ll stare up at the fruit trees, i’ll lust after the water

and the second i reach, it’s gone

i’ll self-sabotage, bury my head in the sand

just trying to do what’s right

i guess i’ll just make a future out of sailcloth, and forget

to sew over my pins

i guess i’ll smile, and nod, forever be in flux

i’ll change faces like the moon, and i’ll hide behind the sun

‘cause i’ve got dreams like birthday balloons

sagging plastic on the floor

i’ve got dreams that ache like open sores

stubborn scars across my palm

a memory of idealism, long since fucking gone

i’ve got dreams that taste like lavender

and go down like wildfire smoke

dreams like steamed milk lullabies

curdled to the touch

i’ve got dreams so bright they’re blinding

i’m standing barefoot in the rain

and looking up at the sky, hanging to raindrops by fraying lines of thread

it’s not much

but i don’t let go just yet

more

i’ve climbed the mountain and i have done exactly what you asked

i have sung your cloying song and danced your pretty dance

taken a painkiller to boot, ‘cause my throat is sore and my eyes start to water

at the sight of pigtails and braids and a warm, soft bed

i’ve climbed the mountain and come down, gasping and sore

tired, aching, still wanting for more

‘cause there’s no value in the achievement

in the ache and the pain, the bloody teeth

the pages rolling off my cheeks

i don’t know how to fit my feelings

into boxes, i don’t know how to make them nice

and good, and neat

to follow the hand-outs and the worksheets

and make it stick this time

i don’t know how to curtsy and remember the cues

i’m trying, though, i swear to you

and is it failure i’m facing

or is this just real life? 

‘cause aching dreams seemed prettier

in the early morning light

when whatever it takes sounded like a wedding vow

and desperate fixation felt like intimacy

i’ve lied in bed all morning and stared up at the ceiling

muscles screaming

for motion and feeling, wind in my lungs and something to chase

for shoulders at rest

my thoughts running slow

it’s just a fantasy

some romanticized bullshit, a glamour

i’ll never be able to let go

but god, it’s a good one

watching me at night

when time is running slow

unless you were there

you wouldn’t know unless you were there. i’ll never be able to explain the hatred, twisting and building up a nest in my ribcage. i promise, i’ve tried my best to get rid of it. i tried to tie it up with a ribbon, tried to root out the weeds from the garden of my heart. but there’s dirt under my fingernails, and sweat dripping down my back, and i think it might be to stop trying to save the needle in the haystack. i’ve been bitter from the start. so i stuffed my purse full of chocolates and i ate that shit whole. you wouldn’t know unless you were there, your heart pounding as you stared out over the sea, wishing you could run forever. wishing for anything to hold. you wouldn’t feel it in your gut, you wouldn’t churn with its flow. wishing to crumble like an empire, and let someone better pick through whatever might remain. i wanted to watch this fall apart from a million miles away. wanted to follow in my mother’s footsteps, which is really just to say: i know what happens next, and i am not afraid.


I’m super proud of this piece, and I’m planning to submit it to a literary journal, so it’s gone through some really heavy editing. If I do say so myself, the last line is perfect, but the middle I’m not quite sure about.

open wound (ii.)

ii. i’m constantly fucking bleeding / tripping and falling / picking at my seams / i’m sorry / i just / can’t stop  thinking that maybe it’s all a downward trend / maybe all progress is negative / and i am insignificant / caught up in the toss and the turn of the waves/ so i’m stitching myself up in the bathroom counter / too stubborn to ask for help / ’cause i know i should do better / i know that the sun will burn out / and maybe my time on this earth will have been a waste / i can’t stop thinking about it all / mourning people i have never met ‘til 2am on new year’s eve / i hope they’re happy with their lives / i hope they cheat on their wives / hope they go down in flames / just so someone can burn with me


Part 2/3 of a suite of poems.