2019

I don’t know if I’m alone in this–but I still get surprised when I glance down at the clock on my computer. You know that feeling you get in the new year, when you have to write down the date for the first time, and there are just a couple seconds where you’re like, there’s no way that’s right. It feels so clunky, and futuristic… and then you move on with your life. After a month, you get over it.

I don’t think I ever stopped doing that when 2020 rolled around.

I remember in middle school, I was writing this book series set in 2024, the year I’ll eighteen. I wrote out all my worst fears for what that year would be like as a way to process them. It was a dystopia, but the end of the world was only happening in the protagonists’ peripheral vision, as she built a life with someone she loved. And in theory it would have been awesome. But I could never figure out how to execute it, even after years of trying. I’d grown with that project, and not in a good way; everywhere I looked, all I could see was smudges of old ideas long since outgrown, that I couldn’t extricate from the narrative no matter how I tried. I can’t say I’ll never revisit the premise, ‘cause it was a pretty good one. But giving myself permission to scrap it was a very good decision. Anyway; I couldn’t fathom the idea that I would ever live to see the 2020s. I knew, logically, I’d be in the protagonists’ shoes one day, but that doesn’t mean it ever quite clicked in my brain.

But here we are. It’s 2021, and I feel like I was celebrating New Year’s Eve last week; the memory fresh and bright, and ridiculously optimistic. I know it’s been more than a year since that night, but I don’t even care, because in my mind, I am playing Monopoly with my friends and counting down ’til midnight. I am happy, and scared, and alive, the whole world spread out before me. I wonder, sometimes, what might have happened for me, should the pandemic not have happened. Would I be a happier person in the long term? Would I have been more or less successful? Sometimes, I wonder. Even though that kind of reasoning feels really self-centred and pointless, like my hypothetical success was the real loss here, which it most definitely was not. So then, I do my best to shut down that train of thought.

But every time I see that fucking date on my phone, I can’t help but feel like I should be doing more than I am. I should be some kind of international success by now, I should be preparing to publish my first novel, I should be raking in views by the thousands. At the very least, I should have a concrete plan for my future. But I don’t.

I feel like as soon as lockdown happened, I went into survival mode. I doubt I’m alone in that. Honestly, as it goes, I was really lucky; three months of isolation and that was it. But those three months were some of the worst in my life. It’s been a long time since I’ve plummeted into depression that deep, if ever. It took all my energy not to fall apart–and I went into denial. I told myself things I knew were lies, and drilled them into my head–that this was going to last forever, that my friends were good as dead. I know that sounds counterproductive, but I needed to grieve, and it’s pretty hard to grieve someone who’s technically a twenty minute drive away. I needed to rush through the stages, all the way to acceptance, and go on with my life as best I could. It was the only thing that was holding me together.

I never got closure on that year. There was no end-of-year assembly, no milestone to cross in this new, strange world turned upside down. In my mind, I am fourteen, and about to graduate ninth grade–planning to do another open mic, or maybe put on my own event that summer. I’ve just done WE Day, and I’m so proud of myself. I think everything is going to be better now.

But in reality, I’m going into grade eleven next year, which means I’m pretty close to being done with high school. And I have a job. And everyone is asking me what I want to do with my life, and I don’t know how to answer. And sometimes, I feel like I may as well be a grown-up already. But other days, I feel like I was born yesterday. I have so much to learn, so many different interests and skills to develop, and the idea of being an adult in a couple of years makes me want to hide under the covers and never come out. I’m gonna be learning to drive pretty soon! And then I’m gonna move out, maybe I’ll get a job or start a business (side note: something I’ve been considering a lot of late), and I’ll share an apartment with a friend or something, and… I can’t even fathom past that. Wow.

Ever since the New Year’s Eve of 2020, it feels like time is slipping through my fingers like sand onto the floor, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I feel faded, like a cheap knockoff of who I used to be. Is this just how my life is gonna be now?

Oh god, am I about to become one of those people who peaked in high school? I really hope not. That’s gonna be my goal now, I think. Do not peak in ninth grade. Like, I did some cool shit that year, but oh dear lord, if anyone catches me bragging about that when I’m a fully grown adult, please pull me aside and very lovingly tell me to get a life.

Lots of love,

Lorna

2000-and-something // sob story (2)

does it really matter how old i was?

and are we still doing this?

this stupid thing

where i will give you my silly putty heart

and you will weigh its innocence?

***

2000-and-something. i was soft

and guilty

quick breathing

clawing my skin off in the counsellor’s office

’cause it helped me focus, or something

as she told me, told me, told me

that my brain was wired wrong

cyborg girl, can’t be fixed

lazy and reckless and cold

and what was i supposed to do with that? you know?

except in all honesty

i can’t remember what she said

and for all i know, she might have been a perfectly nice person

who was trying her best

but i do know is how it made me feel

like a scratched hard drive

the faulty cog in the machine

who hid under tables

who cried and cried and screamed

but i built up a callous, you see

and i learned a few things that year

don’t cry in the hallways

don’t make a mess

and above all else, just try your best not to feel

’cause then i will be normal

i’ll be happy; i mean honeycomb sweet

i’ll curl my hair

and and wash my face each morning

and if you play the ukulele

i swear i’ll sing along

***

you know what?

maybe the trauma made me better

maybe it smashed my head against the rocks

until poetry bled out; maybe it taught me

to pick my friends carefully

and keep going on

but i was a child

i shouldn’t have had to be strong

so if you’re listening

all the way back from 2000-and-something

i’m sorry

that people hurt you

that you hurt yourself

cause you deserve good things

twirly dresses, bookstore gift cards

play-fights and daydreams

and raspberry hope

i know it’s hard right now, though

i know you trip over your circuits

i know you can’t stay in time

and i’m still working it out

but i do know:

that knife-wounds will soften

and burn marks will fade

and i am trying to be better

every fucking day


Is this becoming a series? Maybe. Probably. I don’t know, I really like this format, and also, writing this piece made me very emotional.

Lots of love,

Lorna

June: The Month in Photography

June 6th

Okay, so I don’t know if I mentioned this, but I’m taking a photography class at my school, and while I was researching for a report for it, I learned about double exposures–where you overlay two pictures over top of each other for this kind of trippy effect where you can really see the subject’s motion. Originally, it was done with film, where you wind back to the place the photo you want to overlay was, and then put something else on top of it, but I do not have a film camera (although I desperately want one), so I had to settle for overlaying this photo over one taken a few seconds after on Canva, to hopefully show motion?

Also, full credits to my friend for taking this while we were at the beach–thank you very much for being my cameraman, this is such a cool photo and I had to include it somewhere.

June 11th

I took a bunch of photos in a meadow of daisies I found the other day, for my photography class, and I really liked how this one turned out! I might post some of the other ones in a separate post, because they ended up being super pretty!

It was so quiet, and peaceful in this meadow, and I actually started to feel comfortable in front of the camera, which is something I’ve never experienced before, and I just had a lot of fun, so I might try and do this again, especially if I can tie it into an assignment.

June 17th

It’s not often I see something purple I can capture in a photo, so when I saw these little flowers, I had to jump on the opportunity. I really love how the light catches this picture, I think it looks so cool.

As I write this, I’m about a day away from finishing tenth grade, and more than anything, I am just so relieved to be able to have more time for work, at long last–both, like, creative work, and also actually-making-money work. I’ll probably take on a few more hours in the summer, and finally be able to work in the mornings, rather than roasting in the afternoon sun, since I’m always booked with school in the mornings. I know that sounds like a boring thing to be excited for, but trust me, when you’ve spent months on end working in the sweltering heat, this is huge.

I’ve been vaguely considering the idea of doing event photography as a job when I’m older–I don’t know, I could see being good at it, and there’s a slightly more guaranteed income there than for something like writing. We’ll see.

July 5th

It’s been disgustingly hot of late–it’s been disgustingly hot all over the place, really, which is… well, climate change for you. The heatwave came right when I was getting all excited for summer, too–before I was reminded that where I live, summer usually requires you to become an indoor hermit who braves the great outdoors only for an evening walk, because it is so gross and hot during normal waking hours. To be fair, there are usually some good months in there–we get to go swimming a lot, which is always nice, and I will admit that being done with school is a massive relief now I’ve gotten used to the new schedule.

There is a reason this post is very late (for those of you who, like, regularly follow this blog–are you out there? I don’t know, I hope you are). Also, a reason there was a huge gap in entries–which I could have fabricated over, but decided not too for the sake of honesty, and also because I didn’t take many pictures during that time period.

Honestly, I’m having a bit of creative block–simultaneously doing very good and very horribly. I’m learning to draw (because I’m not going to die with the storyboards for imaginary animatics in my brain, their full glory lost to humanity forever, goddamnit!) and I’m working on a bunch of song covers that I may or may not post online, depending on how cruel I’m feeling to myself in ten years. I’m sleeping weird hours and drinking lots of water and considering getting rid of this blog every other day. I guess I’m just feeling a little confused, and vulnerable. I’m not as willing to share everything with the world as I used to be.

And that makes me sad–but I think it’s just growing up. It’s healthy to be a little confused. I’ll figure it out eventually.

Love,

Lorna

weight

i swear, these days i’m mostly all right / i just can’t breathe sometimes when i look at myself in the mirror / run my hands down my thighs / sometimes my phone makes me sick / sometimes friday is a sinkhole / and it’s all i can do not to pass out on the carpet / i swear, i’m feeling better / but that’s just a testament, really / to how bad things were before / because some days / it takes all my energy just to change into pajamas / and go to bed on time / some days i build up the smallest tasks into herculean efforts / some days i dig my nails into my skin / pick myself apart like a riddle and watch hot water burn / have you ever felt lonely, in the pit of your stomach? / watching seconds flip by on the clock / like soldiers / or bodies / one after the other / and i swear it’s not always like this / but sometimes i just lie awake at night, and see my life flash before my eyes / because i have never known how to live in the moment / but tomorrow, maybe i will try / to learn love like a second language / and smile wearily at stomach rolls / and old scars / and let just a bit of this weight go / because i could use some rest, god knows

March: the Month in Photography

MARCH 6TH

I went to the beach and tried to fly a kite yesterday! It was a really bad kite, I got it when I was ten and never learned how to fly it. As a kid, I thought every single one of my minor hobbies was going to turn into a global career, so I got this ridiculous stunt kite and thought I was going to be, like, so good at flying a kite. But it’s awful, it just nosedives into the ground at the slightest change of the wind, and I ended up breaking it, but it was still a fun time.

MARCH 13TH


Today was the first day of spring break, and I actually had a really good day. I went on a walk in the woods and took a bunch of really pretty pictures, I got everything done on my to-do list, and talked with both of my friends on the phone for a really long time. It’s not often my brain decides to cooperate with me like this–and I can just, like, do things without having to coax and bribe myself into the smallest task, or act of self-care. Oh, I made this really good chocolate chip banana bread! That was pretty awesome.

I finished up editing the second episode of that audio drama I’m working on, too! I really hated this script for a while, but listening back through it and doing the final edits, I… actually kinda felt proud. And that was pretty awesome.

MARCH 21ST


So, I just got back yesterday from this super-remote, middle of nowhere cabin. There was no WiFi or anything, I didn’t see a single other human being except for other cars on the road. It was really nice, I took lots of pretty pictures, and I had a really great time.

I’ve been getting into a really bad habit of just scrolling and scrolling and scrolling through social media for hours and hours, and feeling really miserable but still going back at it, because social media is very addictive, and it was really nice to get away from that for a while, and the constant anxiety the internet causes me. I’ve been trying to spend less time on my phone, and, like, be mindful of how being online all the time effects me? I don’t know, it’s nice, here’s a photo I thought turned out cool.

MARCH 23RD


This is a picture I took at the beach today, I thought it looked really pretty! I can’t believe it’s almost April, time just feels like it’s going by so fast. I’m almost done with tenth grade now, and before I know it I’m gonna be a high school junior, and that’s pretty wild!

MARCH 27TH


The cherry trees are starting to bloom here! I love spring so much, it’s really exciting to see everything coming together, and extra-fun/but also kind of stressful because my gardening job has just resumed in earnest, and everyone wants work to be done on their yard. But I genuinely do like helping other people out, and after a little while I get acclimatized to that schedule again, it’s just a lot to adjust to after three months off. I went on this really pretty walk today, and the ground was nice and dry, and it wasn’t too cold. I put on some music and wandered around the woods, and took this photo.

MARCH 31ST


Okay, so I meant to write/finish this post up earlier, but you know me, I guess I just have to always do things last-minute. Because it is fun. (No, it’s not, I really need to stop, but that is another story.) I took this picture on another forest-walk with a friend a few days ago. It’s been so pretty and sunny out of late, and honestly it’s really been helping my mental health. Things feel like they’re looking up, somehow, which is… a really weird feeling, but a good one.

Hopefully it’s not going to crash and burn in a few days. It probably will. Oh well. I’ll see you next month!

Lots of love,

Lorna