today the sun rose, and the sun fell. i didn’t ask you sure how one pocket of time can feel so tiny and yet so massive, and maybe it’s all about perspective. today, it’s hard to write this without it feeling like i’m pushing my way up through sticky honey and the fog of closed curtains broken flash drives and half-asleep panic attacks, but i’m trying. today, i decided i would try and drown my feelings. only then i decided to fold them; try to find symmetry out of the chaos and make sense out of everything and it didn’t really work, but i did write poetry. and today, i wasn’t the person i want to be. because i’m never the person i want to be. today, i think my fingers shook on the keyboard with the quiet electric shock of my anxiety. today, i think maybe you’re not who i think you are and that scares me. and it’s all lies and empty faces. and these words do i mean it is this really my voice do i really mean it what am i saying what role am i trying to fill again what is this? what is this? and will you still love me in the morning? and was i good enough to be worth your time? maybe i’m not good enough. i spread my arms out like the page of a book and i turn myself into your story. and why am i not enough to be your everything? and today i try to wrap my arms around myself until the words stifle my mouth. i curl up into a corner and my heart is one massive explosion of charcoal and screaming and my eyes which are always kind of closing. the stars are shaking above me. and i want to be ok but i’m not but i’m trying. i’m trying. i’m trying. i hope that means something.

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when i laughed

trigger warning: numbness, suicidal thoughts

i mean i’m scared of the depths of these feelings i mean / you make me so happy / and i am so scared you are not telling the truth / and i am so scared you’ll go / and more than that / i’m scared that i’ll fall / i’m scared i’ll let you fall because / i’m sleepless tonight and where the hell did all the colours and potential and hope of this day go and / for some reason i can only write when i’m about to fall asleep / like emotions are too scary to be felt until my brain is at the edge of being numbed out and maybe / i can understand / why people try alcohol as a way of dulling their emotions / because if there’s nothing else we can do to make ourselves feel like nothing / i mean maybe that’s no so unreasonable / i mean oh my god where are these thoughts coming from / i mean i’m scared / i mean you can tell i’m having a bad day when i spend my free time changing my tumblr theme for no apparent reason / rather than you know writing and trying my best to work through these feelings / my heart is empty and i kind of miss when the empty was all i knew / because when the empty was all i knew / there was nothing i could do about it / because when the empty was all i knew / i still had the time to take care of myself / and i know that’s stupid it’s just / when i laughed / i meant my feelings are a black hole i dance around and every word both makes it better and brings me closer / i mean i’ve gotten to the point with my writing where in order to be all right i kind of need my words to be loved by someone else / and i just want to escape / and i can’t stop thinking about the fight / the fight / the fight / and i’ve gotten to the point / with my writing / where i can’t do this without a timer / a timer / practically cradling reminding me that every day i wake up in the hospital of my body / and all the lights are blinking sirens of my heart / and my heart is telling you to let go now and / you don’t let go now / and i don’t know how to tell you how much you mean to me / and i don’t know what you would think if i told you how much you mean to me / and honestly / when i smash the keyboard / what i really mean is that / there’s a traffic jam of words / and all of them are kind of trying / to run out / and they have hurt me before / and they have made mistakes before / and i don’t really trust them / but / i need to use them / anyway / and / that scares me / and i’m naked / emotionally / trapped inside / this mind / and how can that not make someone want to die / i don’t understand please don’t see me falling apart / please don’t tell me this is the end

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new backpack & new clothes

trigger warning: anxiety, feelings of sadness/depression, insecurity, social anxiety, fairly detailed mention of suicidal thoughts

and it smells a little like metal and a little like rubber and kinda like gasoline / or is that just me / wondering / could i wipe my soul clean / if i just wore pastel colours / and would i be happy if i could just / be normal / if i just / posed in the mirror and said positive affirmations like prayers to somebody / maybe it’s you / maybe it’s me / i don’t know / could i just not be heavy for a while / could i be a mermaid swimming through an ocean of okay / and an ocean that is calm and still / and it’s definitely tropical / it’s definitely beautiful / and calm / and easy / and life never hurts me / i never amplify the hurt / i never hurt me / could i be okay if i just wore pretty clothes and ballet flats / i know it’s silly but i sorta believe it when the advertising promised i’d be ok / could i look like the models in the mirror staring back at me telling me my thighs are definitely fat and ugly / what if i wore makeup / when i don’t want to wear makeup / what if i just took pictures / and used filters / and maybe then / i could just be numb / i want to be numb / to all of it / i want to be frozen like a half-melted snowflake in my statuesque palm / i want to stand still in the morning stuck in the numbness of the sunrise and the alone and the cold on my arms sending frost tickling through my body and in this moment / i am lying still on the sand and my heart is warm as it burns itself to pieces / and my heart is warm as it pretends it’s all right when it isn’t because my all right is probably your crazy / i know my own boundaries fine / the issue is that every time i notice them i compulsively trespass each line / and my heart is warm and blinded as it wrestles with itself desperately trying to skim through the pages in the textbook of my life / trying to navigate to the part where i tell me how to be happy / except me doesn’t listen / and me doesn’t like me / and me is not okay with me / and what if i was the kind friend in the books / what if i made you smile / what if i made you laugh / maybe then / my life / would sort of go black and white / when i say i narrate my life in third person / i mean i get confused sometimes / the desire to be frozen / be still / be so still i emboss my heartbeats onto the pages / be so still they know you are there breaking down and then they turn around and then finally you can breathe because they’re watching you and it’s all right / be so still you seem normal in your insanity / and the desire to die / so when i say that it’s not suicidal thoughts exactly / i mean that every morning the anxiety whispers gently in my ear that you would love me better / if i could just be dead / or gone / or silent / it feels like dead to me / but call it whatever word you can think of / for the tired galaxy in the mirror / looking back at me

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