“you didn’t have to do any of this” (spoken word)

Oh boy, this was recorded at, like, 11:20p.m. after having procrastinating on it for a week, so if I sound absolutely exhausted in this, it’s kind of because I was when recording. But I hope it turned out okay anyway. 🙂

Music from https://patrickdearteaga.com/

Read the text to this poem here

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trying to explain my mental illness to a dysfunctional society

you see, there’s a voice in my head that won’t stop screaming at me. and it has this way, of making me feel like i’ll never stop falling into the fault lines of my brain, except i don’t want you to know that, because if there’s one thing more terrifying than the idea of being rejected, it’s being rejected when i’ve shown you every single part of me, and every single part of me is still not enough for you to love me. and i guess i usually feel like you’re at the verge of leaving me, and when you start seeing things that way,  in your head, it can escalate pretty quickly. and i guess i can be a little bit dramatic sometimes because of my condition, and even though i didn’t choose this, i’m sorry.  i fall apart out of nowhere sometimes so please be patient with me. and please understand i’m not doing this because i want to hurt you. i’m doing this because there is a voice in my head that won’t stop screaming at me, and sometimes i just can’t take it, and somehow bringing pain upon myself makes it… stop. for a second. and if i hide in the bathroom for hours on end and break all the mirrors in my skull because the idea of being seen by anyone, including myself, makes me want to claw my face off, please don’t laugh at me. even if you wouldn’t laugh at me. even if i was eight, and it’s just a memory that keeps echoing through my brain, and maybe a memory is why i can’t breathe every time i have to walk through a hallway. but all i honestly want right now is for you to hold my hand. and listen to me.

wow, this started out being about self-esteem and ended up being… something else completely. i wasn’t expecting that, but i like this version much better than the original, anyway.

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