i am a house – a poem

im a house

i am a house and you’re gone today. i am a house and i don’t feel sad exactly it’s just i don’t know what to say. i am a house and as my chest hollows itself out i’m sobbing on the couch like if i scream loud enough i’ll be able to just get this feeling out of my system. i am a house and the words rush through me and life always has this way of flying at you way, way too quickly. i am a house but the roof is caving in, and it’s all ending or at least it feels that way. and i know you’re gonna be gone someday. but if i accept that, i’ll also have to accept that nothing is permanent. and i’ll have to accept that someday, everything i love will either be gone or dead inside. and someday we’ll have to watch the light vacuum out of each others’ eyes and still somehow find a way to live with it and do you know how tired i am of all of this? how tired i am of this feeling, like ripping a band-aid off my open wounds, and the best i can do is ignore it. because i am not gonna be stardust. i am gonna be rotting in the ground. and all of this will be meaningless. and i know i am overreacting. it’s just… i am going to be alone someday. and that’s the what i am afraid of, more than anything. i am going to be alone, in the middle of the atlantic ocean and the waves will be 40 feet tall and i still will be panicking as the static between us stretches out to infinity and i still don’t know what to say. i am a house and i made it. i am a house and i did this. i am a house, and i still don’t quite know how to process this. i am a house and maybe someday i’ll know how to hang paintings on the empty walls of my chest but right now, all i want to do is curl up in a ball and try to paint armour on my skin so you don’t touch me because the emotions are red-hot embers burning at my fingers and my lungs overflow and apparently it’s possible to be burning alive or on fire or completely aglow and still feel cold. i don’t want to lose you because i am still not sure what you see in me and right now i am a house and i can only half-handle being alone. i am a house, and please don’t hate me for being like this sometimes. i am a house, and i’m tired of having to be better than i am but i don’t know what i am and i am a house, and i just want to go home.

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