give me love

you’re a needy little thing, aren’t you

you’re buttercup curves and you’re polyester button-eyes

and if the people you love look away for one minute

you’re probably gonna cry

’cause there’s a hole in your heart

where portraits of strangers and thrift-store trinkets used to be

but now it’s all just

minimalist aesthetics

and the end of an era

sprawled out like a carcass on a suburban road

and now, please just say

you didn’t mean it

when you said i could improve i mean

i mean i failed you completely

i am a wretched, awful human being

and i don’t know what i did

but you hung up halfway through my sentence

probably just hit the button by accident;

doesn’t matter

you probably hate me

wanna bury me alive

and i’m spinning out onto the road

the breaks cut out

and the engine’s given up the ghost

i’m whispering promises i’ll never keep into my phone

i’m sorry i’m not perfect

i’m sorry i am sharp around the edges

i’m jealous, and selfish

i’m sorry, a million times

but please don’t hate me

please don’t crush my eggshell skull

’cause i don’t think i’ll survive

a short list of things that haunt me

  1. have you ever seen a diagram, of the brain during dissociation? how it all just flickers out to nothing, and you lie there, breathing in a house with no one home. how do you start to heal, when you’re barely there at all?
  2. and have you ever thought about the past? how it creaks and groans with the wind? have you traced the scars like photo albums, embossed into your skin, and maybe they’re all you have left, to remember the monster you’ve been.
  3. have you sat still, and imagined how you’ll fade into obsolescence like an old can of soda, collecting dust in the pantry? have you thought about the stars, and how they turn.
  4. have you thought about black holes? how they consume everything in their path without a minute of remorse.
  5. and have you curled into yourself like a daisy at night? and stared at the window, in a city you’ll never quite reach, and watched the cars like little wind-up toys, spinning circles around the highway.
  6. have you seen a dead cricket, on the side of the road, and wondered if there’s anything small enough to escape destruction? i don’t think there is. and that scares me most of all.
  7. last week, we learned about monsters in school. about people who hurt other people, who dug their claws into the dirt and left ugly, bleeding scars on the world. but at the start, they all seemed so normal. and you have to wonder, how many people could do what they did, under the right circumstances.
  8. today, i held a wounded rabbit in my hands, and let it rest in a box on the table. and i waited by the laundry machine, kept my voice down and tiptoed past. and a few hours later, i watched it go. i hope it’s all right.
  9. i hope the world is a fever dream, i hope it drifts and floats in lavender, and cinnamon, and bitter lime-skin, crawling down my throat. i hope my heart beats in my chest like an oath.
  10. i hope i survive to be haunted forever, in every blink of my eyes, each creak of toothpick-bones. i hope it echoes through me like a siren song, i hope the concrete swallows me whole. i hope i remember, and bleed. i hope i grow.

to the grocery store plant lying dead in the water

i am fourteen and arrogant, but that’s okay. ’cause it’s always just to compensate for the hole in my gut. i guess i just thought that this was gonna be my thing, you know? i was gonna bring the world to life with the touch of my evergreen palm. but things don’t always work out like that. so i buy this sad plant for seven bucks, and i read all about how to care for it. i forgot to water it, or i water it too much. ’cause sometimes, i can barely take care of myself. and other days, i feel so fucking alone, and it comes to a rolling boil; yeah it spills right through the cracks of me. and i just want to hold somebody, wanna make them feel better. i’m sorry i let the reminders pile up on my phone, i’m sorry my room is dark and dingy, and the winters always get so cold. but for what it’s worth, you were really pretty. made me think i could fix somebody, clip off all their broken leaves and kiss them back to life. have you ever loved someone so bad, and just watched from a distance as they withered in the cold? and you try everything you’ve got, you turn up the heater, you mist their leaves, you beg them to be safe when you hang up the phone? ever drifted apart from a sinking ship; whispered eulogies to your pillow when nobody is home? you’re a plant, of course not. you should count yourself lucky, you know.

in another life

in another life

i think i’d be a singer

and i know how cheesy that sounds

but god, i’d be perfect

i’d smile wide for the camera;

step out into a sea of writhing bodies

and not fear their sharp fingernails against my skin

tired soldier, wouldn’t you love to let down your guard for just a moment?

wouldn’t you like to trust yourself

enough to take honey

and milk with your tea

and dip your strawberries in molten lava

wouldn’t you like to be holy?

play the game

roll the dice

’cause if the world’s gonna be shitty

at least i can end up on the winning side

right?

in another life,

i’d buy headphones at the store

and i would not feel guilty

and i’d see the world

i mean, see it really

yeah, i’d ruin my teeth on saltwater taffy

and fill up my phone with pictures

i would not be afraid to let you touch me

in another life, i would be sickeningly sweet

my mind smooth and clear

no cracks

no fissures

no magic tricks, a house of cards about to disappear

smile ’til my cheeks cracked the glass

of my smudged-up mirror

because this is not a teen movie

and i am not the protagonist

i see that now

but maybe i could be somebody

who doesn’t spend all her days at home

who leaves the world better than she found it

and wouldn’t that be so pretty?

bubble gum

i’m gonna do it / i’m gonna stretch myself to the limit / and blow bubbles in my gum / red-high tops and a leather jacket / i’m gonna be cool / and calm / ’cause i’m not dying inside / feathers sprouting from cold tissue / tickling my stomach / freezing my heart in place / and something just tells me that hope / was not supposed to feel this way / but wouldn’t it be fun / if i was your tragic hero / if i wore dark colours / bent and stretched myself to fit inside the role / and obsessed over the smallest details / until my little baby heart shattered like glass / wouldn’t it be so pretty / if we all got cut on the pieces / bleeding out on tile floor / cause that’s how this works, right? / i’m the damsel in distress, fell right off the tower / and broke a couple bones / but i’m sure my prince is gonna come if i just wait around a little longer / let resentment ferment in my ribcage a little stronger / so what if i eat when no one’s looking / what if i hoarded cheap makeup in the bathroom / and wore it when no one was home / and everything i said was dripping in irony / and ignorance / but it’s nostalgic, so the valley sings my name / and the birds help me get ready / for some handsome stranger to carry me off / to another fucking castle / where i will vow to him to always always always / stay / but i’m starting to think / maybe i’m getting fed up of being swept away