and maybe i have a chance

trigger warning: mention of suicidal thoughts and self-harm, but in the context of no longer wanting them

at around 7:59 when the air smells like flowers and i’m all alone and it’s still light i like to think about it like she tells me to, with that voice like my life is a map i’ve only just started to unwind, and i don’t know when exactly it happens but i imagine myself like a flower, curled up so tight into a ball because i was so scared of being blinded by the sun and the idea of coming out made my heart pound, but someday i’ll come out. and i like to think that someday it’ll be beautiful. and i like to think she’s right. and i’ll be all right. and i’m worth people’s time and it’s ok to be soft even though my whole childhood was spent hurting myself on purpose and when i look in the mirror every muscle in my body curls in like a scared turtle and the stains of the things that have been said are making my skin look purple and i don’t think you understand that the little words are grenades sending fissures through me making so hazy and i want to sleep so fucking badly but i’m scared the darkness will consume me and i’m scared of what my brain does when i pinch myself again so tired so tired so tired i push myself over the edge again and no wait i’m trying to hold myself rather than jumping but sometimes my skin on my skin makes my skin start crawling and no wait i’m trying to hold on and i’m trying and i’m trying and i’m trying so hard and i’m standing in the middle of the sky and it’s all emptied out and the sunset is it just me it looks so much like it’s bleeding red and it looks so much like it’s dying on the inside but i could be wrong and my life is the music playing at a party and i’m trying to dance. but i’ve actually never been to a party, so mostly i’m just mouthing the words to this song trying to calm the hot-glue burn of the things i shouldn’t have said. and i’m trying to accept my past self as anything more than a scar lashed across my skin. and i’m going to do this. i’m broken wire remoulding myself. i’m lines of code that keep spitting out answers and some of them are wrong. some of them are wrong. some of them are wrong. and as the sunset traces its way over the horizon, i think i’m learning how to do this. i think tomorrow might actually exist, and maybe i’m not going to die, and maybe my thoughts can be quantified and maybe you’ll understand and maybe i’m not going to die. and maybe i can figure this out. and maybe i have a chance.


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hello

hello internet strangers! so, i decided i would post the text of some poems that i have already posted the spoken word recordings for. if you want to listen to the spoken word recording for this poem, click here.


hello / like you’re testing out the words / like they’re the rungs in a ladder to a place you’ve never been before / we’re alone in the car / hello hello hello / there used to be a man in your ward / who was partially blind / & partially deaf / he would say that / over & over / again / hello hello hello / betty are you there? betty i’m hungry! BETTY! / hello hello hello / what about monopoly / remember, granny? / there was a man in your ward / who used to bang his plastic / juice cup against the table / hands / shaking like houses in an earthquake / he would count buttons / hands / shaking / he had a voice so booming like his shouts were only made to destroy / the nurses played  him classical music / violins / shaking / when we see you / you say to me / oh / i forgot about you / i’m here now, granny / i try to say something funny / spin gold from straw / make light of it / like rumplestiltskin / there’s a woman who just died / whose hands / shook when they held mine who used to ask me / how i was doing / remember granny? / when she answered back / she said / i’m lonely / & i know that feeling / so fucking well / like /  alone in a house / hello / staring into your eyes not brave enough to say / hello / i look away / when strangers extend their hands / it feels like they’re somehow / assaulting my independence / when strangers look away / i want to cry / the issue with these thoughts is / sometimes i think there isn’t a middle ground / for us to talk about / it / let’s talk about it / can we talk about it / can we clear the sky / you’re not my therapist / i refuse to dump on you / i refuse to let you know when it might bury you like i have been buried / i refuse to ruin this perfect image of a girl / you had in mind / i refuse to let you treat me / carefully like i’m a vase about to explode hands / shaking / my world / is expanding / my world is dying / you won’t understand anymore / your world / is dying your brain / is dying the branches / kind of melting / you forget that i’m your granddaughter all the time now / hands / shaking / feelings / like a tangled pile of laundry / i can’t sort through / i don’t even know how that makes me feel / how do you love someone / when you never got to know them / how do you love someone / when they’re vanishing right in front of you / how do you love someone when / they never came out / how do you love a mirage / hello hello hello / you don’t intend to kill your houseplants / you don’t realize what you’re doing when clip off flowerbuds with your fingernails / you don’t realize it’s not a good idea to drop your dead flowers in the toilet / hello / sobbing into her shoulder / hello is anyone out there / hello / my world / feels like it’s collapsing / like i’m a morning glory / only look pretty at certain times / of the day / trust me / if you knew me when i’m crying / in that way like my throat running through a paper shredder like my whole body running / through a paper shredder / i don’t feel like you’d think these things of me / hello / you’re starting to forget language / hello / you look out the window / hello / hello / you close the door like it’s a barricade / like you’re defending against something / doesn’t that get lonely? / hello / we read aloud the winnie-the-pooh stories to you & we try to play a clapping game / you call yourself a bear of very little brain / hello / you used a walker for the first time today / hello / every time / we see you / something / has died


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