when i laughed

trigger warning: numbness, suicidal thoughts

i mean i’m scared of the depths of these feelings i mean / you make me so happy / and i am so scared you are not telling the truth / and i am so scared you’ll go / and more than that / i’m scared that i’ll fall / i’m scared i’ll let you fall because / i’m sleepless tonight and where the hell did all the colours and potential and hope of this day go and / for some reason i can only write when i’m about to fall asleep / like emotions are too scary to be felt until my brain is at the edge of being numbed out and maybe / i can understand / why people try alcohol as a way of dulling their emotions / because if there’s nothing else we can do to make ourselves feel like nothing / i mean maybe that’s no so unreasonable / i mean oh my god where are these thoughts coming from / i mean i’m scared / i mean you can tell i’m having a bad day when i spend my free time changing my tumblr theme for no apparent reason / rather than you know writing and trying my best to work through these feelings / my heart is empty and i kind of miss when the empty was all i knew / because when the empty was all i knew / there was nothing i could do about it / because when the empty was all i knew / i still had the time to take care of myself / and i know that’s stupid it’s just / when i laughed / i meant my feelings are a black hole i dance around and every word both makes it better and brings me closer / i mean i’ve gotten to the point with my writing where in order to be all right i kind of need my words to be loved by someone else / and i just want to escape / and i can’t stop thinking about the fight / the fight / the fight / and i’ve gotten to the point / with my writing / where i can’t do this without a timer / a timer / practically cradling reminding me that every day i wake up in the hospital of my body / and all the lights are blinking sirens of my heart / and my heart is telling you to let go now and / you don’t let go now / and i don’t know how to tell you how much you mean to me / and i don’t know what you would think if i told you how much you mean to me / and honestly / when i smash the keyboard / what i really mean is that / there’s a traffic jam of words / and all of them are kind of trying / to run out / and they have hurt me before / and they have made mistakes before / and i don’t really trust them / but / i need to use them / anyway / and / that scares me / and i’m naked / emotionally / trapped inside / this mind / and how can that not make someone want to die / i don’t understand please don’t see me falling apart / please don’t tell me this is the end

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things i never said

trigger warning: insecurity, relationship anxiety, fear of abandonment

i’m not sure how to receive love because i’m so used to living in a wasteland of it. so i don’t know what to say when you say i’m wonderful. ‘cause in elementary school, my friends never really gave me compliments and usually i was just. the weird kid. i think most of the relationships in my life have been one-sided, and this is confusing and a little disorienting. i’m not sure what i’m doing, excuse me while i lock myself in the bathroom because i’m probably a bad person. and sometimes, i get insecure, and i’m honestly amazed you find anything in me worth liking. and i’m honestly amazed that you’ve seen all my darkness and you still want to be near me. and you can tell i’m having a bad day by when i’m online a lot because as long as i’m focusing on something else i can escape my brain, and as long as i’m constantly focusing on something else it’ll be all right, and they told me when i was little that i should never go in a dark alley without someone with me, and maybe you are that person who comes with me, except the monsters are my brain and they are there almost constantly, but i’ll come with you always if you need me. i’m drifting, slowly, and i need to anchor myself but when you toss out liferafts i’m too paralyzed to grab. which doesn’t mean i’ll be paralyzed forever, it just means i’m having a bad day because there were too many feelings and too many mistakes, and i can’t handle this heavy weight. i can’t handle this heavy weight and i’m sorry if i’m dumping on you. i’m sorry, if i’m supposed to be different this is all i’ve got. this is all there is. my accomplishments are a candlelight i cast out and pride is a river i am desperately trying to drown in. and i want to be proud of myself. i want to wrap myself up in my arms and i want to be all right. but the idea of that is so large, and i don’t know how to even get started, wrapping that around my mind. i am standing at the centre of the sky and i’m trying to comprehend what’s happening and i’m trying to be a good person i’m trying to be perfect, even though i don’t feel perfect. because then it’ll be all right. and i’m scared of you leaving and i’m scared of you not coming back. and why are we all leaving? where are you going?