i did it all for you

i make my bed. smooth out the sheets. fluff the pillows. get it nice, and clean.

and i plot out the book. all the way to the finishline. i follow the recipe. i mend the jeans. i get there on time…

i don’t text you to cancel last minute. don’t work through the night. i am calm, and collected… and i can do this, all right?

so i refresh the statistics. just one more time… wash down the white lie. i run, and i run, and i run for my life. but i do it all for you. so don’t say i didn’t try.

because i’ll carve out my ribcage. without being asked to. i’ll clean out the knife wound, and of course it hurts a little. but i did it for you.

03/16/2020


In this episode, I talk jobs, university, confusion, and the expectations that come with growing up.

Song is “A Cool Rainy Night” by Mike Durek. It is found here (https://freemusicarchive.org/music/Michael_Durek/Piano_Music_for_The_Broken_Hearted_1221/03_A_Cool_Rainy_Night), and used according to this license (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/).
It has been edited by me.

“Mimos Menguados” is from patrickdeartegea.com  and has also been edited by me.

Need to talk to anyone? Find a crisis line in your area here: https://www.suicidestop.com/call_a_hotline.html

All songs have been edited by me.

All sound effects made by yours truly! 🙂

The next episode will be dropping next Friday, 9a.m. PDT–make sure to subscribe/follow/add this podcast to your library/enable notifications on it to be notified when it comes out.

Find me on all my internet places here: https://linktr.ee/dragonwritesthings

And find this podcast all over the web here: https://linktr.ee/sonnetsofateenagewannabe

How to support a loved one with mental illness

I recently received a comment on one of my posts about if I had any advice on how to support loved ones struggling with their mental health. And although I’m not an expert, I think that having resources both for people who are struggling themselves, and for others to support their loved ones are equally important. So I thought, as someone who struggles with anxiety, dysthymia, self-harm, depersonalization, body image issues, and just a whole slew of other mental health issues, I’d would give my best advice on this topic. That being said, I am not a doctor or a professional in any way–and obviously not representative of every person who has ever had a mental health issue ever, so keep that in mind. 🙂

Help me fix myself

One of the hardest things I’ve seen for people to accept, and one of the hardest things even for me to accept when it comes to supporting friends with a mental illness is that… I can’t fix it, or control it–that ultimately, healing from something is in the victim’s hands.

No matter how many times you tell them you love them, that you’re there for them, that they’re beautiful just the way they are, it isn’t going to fix the fact that the majority of the time, they might not be able to believe those things themselves. For that reason, as hard as it is,the most important thing for the both of you to accept is that although you are there for them, and will support them no matter what, it’s not your job to recover for them.

You can’t control their suffering, and trying to mostly just comes off counterproductive.

Listen to me

If I had a dollar for every time someone had used my anxiety, depression, or any other mental health issue I’m struggling with as an excuse to invalidate my opinions… well, I’d be pretty rich. Often, told people I’m concerned about something, and they’ve told me I’m just being anxious. Which can, for obvious reasons, be really harmful.

Even talking about other people with mental illness that way–as though because of their illness they’re automatically incapable of advocating for themselves, making their own decisions, and generally be full, independent human beings, doesn’t exactly send a great message, and honestly, it’s just a really shitty thing to do. Which brings me into…

Consider your words

Honestly, most people who care enough to be looking up online how to look a post like this up aren’t the type of people who need to hear this point. But it’s really important to me, so I wanted to make it anyway.

What people have said, even about strangers on the street has really affected me (especially when I was hearing these things as a child) . When you make a comment about someone’s weight while grocery shopping, or how lazy and useless your relative with depression is at a family dinner, at least for me, it’s almost as bad as if you had just said that to me yourself. (For the record, both of these things have happened to me before, more than once and at pretty young ages.)

Often when I’m gauging whether someone is a safe person to talk to, I’ll sort of bide my time in terms of talking to them about my mental health, and observe how they treat other people. If I get even the slightest hint they might not be an accepting person to talk to, I won’t do it, and I’ll just keep it to myself, even during a crisis.

Give me space

Sometimes, you just need to process things on your own. Especially with anxiety, sometimes you being there isn’t what the person needs. And mostly, they just need to curl up in their room, and be alone for a little while. (At least for me.) Of course, checking in on someone is totally okay, but I guess what I’m trying to say here is: respect their space, but make sure they know you’re there when they’re ready to talk.

That being said, if your loved one is in a crisis, and you believe them to be at risk of harming themselves, this tip is obviously not applicable and in that kind of urgent situation it is vital to make sure that they are safe, and contact whatever mental health support they need.

Advocate for me

I know this sounds cheesy, but despite how hard it’s been, getting help has changed my life. Am I perfect? No. I still struggle, obviously. But the amount of growth I’ve experienced since reaching out is amazing.

However, getting that help is a very difficult and lengthy process. Mental health care is only funded in my area in a very limited way, and seeking private help is too expensive for my family to consider, which left me essentially bouncing between limited free service and limited free service. This is a huge issue, and something I believe needs to change, but… well, that’s another post.

Essentially, in November 2018, my panic attacks at school got so bad my mom suggested medication. For a while, we considered some natural alternatives, but in the end decided not to go for them. I ended up then going to the doctor, asking for medication. He sent me to an anxiety specialist, but the specialist wasn’t accepting new clients, so then my doctor told me to go to the local health clinic, and speak to a psychiatric nurse, who sent me to a government funded counselling service, where I was then on a six-month waitlist, and in the meantime, used my mom’s work benefits, and, with some wheedling and persuasion, got fifteen sessions paid by that, before finally getting forty more sessions government-funded after a very long wait. Having someone to support you through the nightmare that is the healthcare system is really helpful, rather than having to brave it completely alone. Even if all you do is sit in the waiting room while your loved one talks to the doctor, at least for me, it means the world.

Take care of yourself

Even if you might not struggle to the degree your friend or family member does, everyone has mental health, and everyone needs to maintain it. So do whatever you need to take care of yourself. You’re not their therapist, and it is not your job to fix them, just to support them and love them as best you can along their own journey. Often, I can get really wrapped up in my friends’ issues, to the point of going to therapy and just talking about my friends’ problems and how worried I am about them for half of a session, which is something I’m working on, and I’m not really sure where that balance is, between caring for other people and caring for myself, but it’s something I’m working on, and something I think it’s really important to be able to do.

I hope these tips were helpful. Thanks so much for reading 🙂

Lots of love,

dragonwritesthings

i don’t know if it really matters, in the end

lost, in miles upon miles of clouds. drowning in the muffled, strangely blurred sounds. i don’t know where you found me. but here i am, somehow. standing in the centre of oblivion. and maybe there was something before this. but all i know is now.

as my eyes droop closed. my shoulders slumping slowly towards the ground. and i think, that maybe, i could be okay. if just stayed right here. forever.

because it’s been a long day. and god knows, could use something easy in my life, for a change. so maybe the world is ending, but… i guess it’s okay. i mean, it was always going to happen to someone, someday.

but the dishes need doing. and my room is a mess. and the deadlines won’t go away, no matter how hard i try to forget. and life just keeps on going, doesn’t it?

and i think… i think i was going to say something. but i don’t know if it really matters, in the end.


Some sleepy, lazy day poetry. I don’t know why, but the last couple days I’ve just been taking a lot of downtime, and thinking about… I don’t know, a lot of different things in my life, and how I want to go about this summer, and, I don’t know, just feeling really lost. I’m kind of reevaluating, like, all my life choices ever right now. Sorry for all of the sad posts by the way, I hope it’s not too depressing, I’m just having a really hard time getting my shit together right now. And it doesn’t really change things, but writing it out does definitely help me understand what’s going on to some extent, and, I don’t know, my therapist thinks that’s a good thing. And I always feel like reading about other people’s experiences is really good for my mental health, and oftentimes helps me understand myself, so even though I’ve been beating myself up for talking about my feelings online so much of late… I don’t know, I mean in the end I guess you just have to put out the kind of content that I would want to consume, and hope someone else feels that way too. 🙂

How are you all feeling? What’s up in your lives? If you feel like it, I’d love to know in the comments, hearing from my very small audience always kind of makes my day. 🙂

Lots of love,

dragonwritesthings

How I cope with bad days

Hello my lovely artichokes! I hope you all are doing okay, although if you’re reading this post, you probably maybe are not. Which sucks.

During this whole pandemic, and as well just due to a lot of personal things going on, I’ve been having some major ups and downs. I don’t know how to fix it, but I have learned some tactics that help me cope.

However, often when I’m in that really dark place though, I can’t remember those things, and not only don’t really want to feel better, but don’t know how I would go about doing that even if I wanted to, hence this post, which I hope can just serve as a little reminder of some nice things you can do for yourself, even if you’re struggling. Obviously, none of this is going to cure your mental health issues, but I hope that maybe these ideas can help you get through a bad day. ❤

Read a book!

Often, my response to feeling bad is to just spend a lot of time watching Netflix. Obviously, screen time is not inherently evil, but after a couple hours of just watching TV and not really doing anything, you start to feel pretty terrible. Usually I get a headache from fixating in one place too long, I start to beat myself up for just sitting on the couch all day… and all around, it sucks. So sometimes, just swapping to some form of entertainment that you can hold in your hands really helps me cope, and take my mind off things in a little gentler way. For me, reading is really good–sometimes all I need is to just focus on something simple and calming for a couple hours, and I don’t know; it usually makes me feel at least a little better.

Drink some f*cking water

Okay, say it with me kids: COFFEE IS NOT WATER. I tend to just tell myself that, like, because something has some traces of liquid in it, it is therefore the equivalent of just drinking a glass of water. (Eating an apple? Water!) (Eating watermelon? Even more water! Look at me being hydrated!) Um, which is kind of the dumbest thing, but, well, I do it anyhow. Often I’ll just drink two cups of coffee on a really hot day, and then wonder why I feel terrible. (Apparently coffee can be dehydrating.) Obviously, drinking water is not going to cure your anxiety and depression, but even if you mentally feel terrible, not having to in addition deal with the fact that physically, you kind of want to throw up and/or pass out at least makes it easier to cope.

Talk to an actual human being

I know not everyone can physically see a friend right now, depending on how/if restrictions are loosening in your area–and not everyone has someone to turn to. But if possible, just spending time either in real life if it’s safe in your area, or having a FaceTime call with your friends can be a really good way to get out of your head for a little. It might not fix things forever, but just having half an hour of being with people who make you happy can be good as a way of shaking off some of that empty, pointless feeling. Often when I’m worrying about something, just surrounding myself with the actual reality of my life, rather than this myth I’ve built up in my head can help dismiss some of my worries.

Take a shower

I don’t know if this is something that bugs other people as much as it bugs me, but feeling clean is really important to my mental health. On days when I don’t change out of my PJS, don’t take a shower, I just sort of automatically slide into feeling really numb and placid and sorry for myself, which can easily escalate into a full-blown breakdown, which is why maintaining some level of basic human hygiene is really important to me. Even after you have had that breakdown, taking a shower, washing your face, etc. can feel, to me, like putting those bad feelings behind me, and giving myself a fresh start. Again, it doesn’t solve all of your problems, but it’s a little thing that helps me deal, and a good habit I feel like to get into.

Take on a small task (if you have the energy)

So, I’m a total hypocrite with this one, since as I write this my bed is unmade, there are clothes thrown around all over my floor, old mugs teacups scattered around my room, a curling iron on the floor, and in general I’m a bit of a mess. But ignoring that part–Often just dealing with small things that have been stressing you out–like cleaning your bathroom counter, or doing laundry can at least help relieve a little bit of the background stress in your head, and give you a feeling of productivity and accomplishment, which if you’re like me, is really important. Often, I’m either too anxious to focus on those kinds of things, or too tired and sad and just generally indifferent to have the energy, and especially when I’m feeling depressed even little tasks can leave me feeling overwhelmed and exhausted, so this isn’t always a good idea. But if you can handle it, it is helpful in some cases.

Get some fresh air

My house is lit terribly–there are so many trees in or yard, and the windows are placed in the absolute worst locations, which means usually my house is pretty dingy and dark, and obviously artificial lighting is just not the same thing as actual birds chirping and real sunlight. Often when I’m really getting into a bad place, I just get deeper and deeper into this little reality in my head, where everyone hates me and my life is pointless, and maybe I should just give up on all my hopes and dreams because I am an awful person… you get the idea. Going outside tends to have this way of snapping me back into reality, and just gets me to kind of get out of my head, and focus on more simple things, like the wind in my hair or the rain on my cheeks. Just not thinking for a while is nice I guess, and getting some exercise, even if it’s just going on a walk, I have found helps me feel less anxious or depressed.

Do something for yourself

This is something I’m still really figuring out, but sometimes on bad days, just doing something soley for myself helps. I guess it’s kind of a way of contradicting all these really hard thoughts I usually have, about not being worthy of anything, because in doing things just for me. Obviously it’s different for everyone, but for me some activities that work are:

  • Baking or cooking something just for myself, either comfort food I’ve had a million times before or a new recipe
  • Writing something just for myself, rather than just because I want someone to like it, and just having fun with it
  • Trying a new activity just for fun. My friend taught me how to skateboard a couple days ago, which I’ve never tried or liked before, and it was seriously the happiest I’ve felt in ages. It’s really hard for me to do something without the intention to monetize it in the future, and I guess it was nice to just do something because it makes me smile, even if I’m terrible at it. Some things you could maybe try are: drawing, origami, doing something new with your hair/makeup, doing a craft, knitting, sewing or playing around with an instrument/trying to learn it if you feel like it.

Let it out

Sometimes, you just need to get it out, and that’s okay. Whether that be by letting yourself cry, screaming into a pillow, writing/drawing it out if you’re a creative type like me, or talking to someone about your feelings, often I just need to get that weight off my shoulders. So never be afraid to do any of those things when you need to. Obviously, allowing yourself to have a full-blown breakdown is never fun, but afterwards often I do feel a whole lot better.


This is just what I’ve found works for me, but I hope it can be helpful for you too. I hope your bad day gets better soon, and that you know that… you deserve to be happy. Say that out loud. I deserve to be happy. I know it’s not as simple as some stranger on the internet telling you that, but I hope someday you can believe it to be true.

Lots of love,

dragonwritesthings