i want to learn martial arts

i want to learn martial arts(1)

because i don’t want to be trapped. or caged. i don’t want to be broken and remade and i don’t want to be afraid. i don’t want to be yours i don’t want to be afraid. i don’t want to be made of clay and if having strong arms can make me any less of a mess than i am today i will run, and jump, and i will do whatever the hell will make me like myself more than i do right now. because i remember the empty afternoons, and all the times my mind had my tackled, and all the times it felt like you were physically inside my head because i can’t wait to forget you because you are the voice in my head. you are the voice in my head. because if the only way i can communicate with you is punches and if you want to throw punches maybe i need to learn to throw punches too. maybe i need to learn to fight because maybe i would be some kind of superhero if i could just goddamn learn to fight back. and the thoughts tumble so quickly through my mind and it’s impossible to hear it’s impossible to see, but it is there. this knot in my chest. and… i don’t know, okay? i just want to feel like i’m in charge of the monsters in my head.

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