autumn

trigger warning: feelings of hopelessness

look at all these pretty things and the sudden chill through my veins. look at all these pretty things, dying. look at all these pretty things, breathing. look at all these pretty things, going into hiding curling up into turtleshells that feel more like insulation than anything. look at all these pretty sunsets like reminders to turn on our nightlights before the darkness descends like the sun knows it’s going to fall into the ocean and it just wants to tell us how much it loves us. or how much it hates us. or how much this world does not give a crap what you think of it still trying to teach us confidence. look at all these pretty things around us. most of them are built on darkness. look at the shadow behind you. look at how it shakes like a blade of grass when the wind rushes through it listen to it. look at how it’s begging you not to let go yet. look at your heart. look at how it’s always bleeding a little bit. look at all the bricks on your back you’ve been carrying this far without even using a backpack. look at all the footsteps you’ve left behind you. look at how much you’ve grown since the first moment you opened your eyes and none of the feelings like tidal waves made sense to you. the pictures they took just to make lies out of you. look at all the people who have loved you. look at all the people who have waged war against you. look at all the things you’ve managed to do. all the mountains you have conquered in your head only to stare up at the real version without a button for fastforward a button to get through the pain you’ve already lived through over and over again. remember all the things you’ve thrown out into the world, and even if it’s only valentines cards and snickerdoodle cookies i still have your valentines cards pinned to my bedroom wall in case of winter because winter can and will come. winter can and will fall. winter can and will make the light in your head flicker out. and off. winter can and will make your heart stretch outs its hands as far as time will let it go just looking for a sign that someday this will be over. looking for a way to get your heart out of this grinder. i was not made to be kept in the dark this long. listen to all the sounds around you. look at all these beautiful dying things  you can’t even begin to save with the one arm you have available between juggling school and people and people there are so many people they all want something from you. if this is stress how much worse is it going to get? listen to the frantic beat of your heart rushing around the room trying to save every pretty thing around you. right now. and look at all the stars or the clouds or the raindrops. look at this. like life is a movie we can’t get out of. like our endings are all tangled up with each other. like we’re all butterflies caught in a spiderweb totally feeling the doom. but pretending we’re not. pretending it’s fine. because if it’s fine, you don’t have to call in sick for life the next morning, and you reach a point where. you can wake up and you can stare up at the ceiling and know you’re not all right and somehow, keep walking, which is not always a good thing. you can open up your voicebox like an ancient archive everyone forgot about and get a little closer to throwing away the lock this time; fall in love without all the headlines staining your bloodstream. but they are there. whispering. they are there, and i want to be okay. they are there, and i want to run so so far away. but somehow i manage to breathe in. and out. i want to fall because it’s easier. but somehow, i don’t. even though my bones feel like stalks of wheat someone is trying to grind into flour so they can make bread out of me.  this is not easy. i feel this desperate kind of insanity where i will take your hate and hope it into love because if love can hurt if love can make me feel like collapsing on the floor my heart pounding like i’ve just run a marathon how am i supposed to tell the difference anymore? yes, the world moves fast. yes my heart can shatter like it’s been struck by lightning yes it only takes seconds to start crying. phone calls through the darkness, wanting to be both closer and further away. your body is falling asleep, and the blood wrestles through your arteries & the cold is suffocating. yes. i admit that i just want it to be easy and beautiful from now on. yes. i’m not sure how i’m still breathing.


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pink

i need to breathe i need to not feel  like this… i need to not feel like i’m drowning in the color pink… my fingers are half-asleep… my throat is a bubbling explosion… tears forming icicles on my eyelashes… but i could spend the whole day with you but please don’t go but please don’t die but please don’t… words come too quickly… i can’t even breathe clearly… the sky is orange from smoke… there’s an automated message that begs me don’t go…. hold music… there’s an automated message that doesn’t respond when i talk back at it… i almost scream help me… because i don’t have much time & maybe that would make you pay attention… but i don’t… say this i mean i do talk to someone in the end… jingle bells…. music… music… the scrape of the ice against the wood slowly forms words recognizable as a radio broadcast at midnight… why do all the pretty things come out at night… music… say something… say it’s ok that i feel this way… say i’m worthwhile… the smell of melting candlewax… is it still valentines if it’s not midnight…the closest thing to love i celebrated today…was singing in the shower… this song… that’s stuck in my head … about you… about … fiction… about… fiction… because… this isn’t what love looks like to me… i smile… i can’t tell if you mean what you do i just want this day to be over because i know it doesn’t mean the truth… because i laughed along with you… but i don’t want… humor… because i laughed along with you… but i’m… so… tired… but there is…vinegar… dripping invisibly… down my cheeks… sleepwalking … valentines… jingle bells… biking through the snow which melts too quickly after the end of winter… a mess of words i can’t sort through… smell of honey… you come home late… you’re the ground… prone to earthquakes & breakouts of wildflowers… a drifting ocean of color… spam comments… but wait… don’t ask questions they’ll only change the answer… stay up later… just push yourself… a little later… i need a little longer… i need you to be a little quieter… the ripples of your lips… whisper in my ear… let me talk assume the questions are rhetorical don’t answer… bubbling… waterfall… spaghetti… boiling over… icicles like fruit hanging on my eyelashes… starlings… scratches… there’s these short little seconds i can’t stop thinking about where i feel nothing… ruin heaven on purpose don’t ask me why i do these things… maybe it’s just to prove in pain i own myself… but it isn’t owning… when you’re slipping on the ice… wind knocked out of your chest… the sky sort of bends but it doesn’t in reality i just don’t know how else to describe paralysis… like reaching out… to hold hands… with the air at a bus stop because everyone else has love… because you told me… go find love… because you… must be getting tired… too… what kind of a bedtime story is this when my brain is a summer cacophony… when my brain is a tv i’ve forgotten how to change channels on or turn off… the sound of cellos… night i’ll see you next evening… night i’ll see you later … night why can’t you give a participation award to the moon it was only trying to turn its dust into something like a star… night why can’t participation count for something… night can the stars hear it when i tell them thank you… do you know i mean it when i tell you thank you… do you know i mean it when i tell you i’m doing good but only 1 of every 10 times… night why does everything have to be statistics… night why does everything… change so quickly… night can you staynight do you love me… night are you listening… night do you care when i fall apart… night is there a god up there… night is he looking out for me… night why do i keep getting let down in the things i beleive… night does her heart yank out of her chest for me… night did he think about sending me a candy-gram… night did he send candy-grams to anyone… night… could you tell him… that i care… night… night why does everything have to be organized… night could you tell me a story… night could you make me believe it when it ends happily… night… are you… still… listening… night… don’t… go out… on me… you’re all i’ve got to write by… night… i’m so tired… sometimes i think i always will be… night… tell me a story… from my future… this time… hey night… am i ever… going to be happy… night… are you happy…. night…. do you…. understand… how i feel… today… night… did anyone… think about sending me… candy… night… are you laughing at me… night… i’m lonely… night… depression has become a warm jacket in the middle of winter for me… night… please respond… night… right now is when i need you to start writing my story… now… night are there angels who are trying to guide me… night… is it really that pretty…. night… i’m getting cold now… shivering in the word pretty… night… can i trust you… to hold these feelings… with the utmost of confidentiality… night… i wasn’t very productive today… night… i moved the mountains of my teeth today… night… i think i’m getting sick… night… i think the whole world is getting sick… night… they just turned off their light… night… is anyone listening… is anyone reading…. night is this waitline ever gonna start ending… night… help me… night… do you love me…