the flowers i picked last week have started to wilt. i haven’t touched my paints in ages, but i miss it. that quiet, peaceful feeling. if i fuck up, no one’s gonna be around to see the watercolour stains on my desk. i’ll wipe them up with paper towel, and start all over again. i don’t fit the old t-shirts i wore at thirteen, and i never really liked that grey sweater anyway. but i wore it, all those years ago, and for three minutes i really felt pretty, so i’ll take it with the grave before i give up the memory. the pictures on the wall are starting to peel, and the pages of my favourite books are turning yellow. i’m reading for hours, and i’m talking on the phone. practise smiling in the mirror, and think who the hell is that girl? i curse my quick tongue, wish i knew when to speak and when to shut the fuck up. for now, i’ll have to make do. i’ll sit by the lake, and i’ll think about you. about fate, and destiny, gods who never did much for me. poke holes and rip at seams, bite my lip until it bleeds, and stay up reading advice columns on my phone. but i am not thirteen, and when i see the author’s picture, i wonder: good god, what do any of us know?
So, it’s been a really exhausting day, not gonna lie. I went to work after a not-great night of sleep, and got back at twelve. Sometimes, after I’m done working, I can just jump right onto my next task with maybe five minutes to get changed… and sometimes I’m so wiped out I can’t form coherent thoughts for three hours. Today has been the latter. It feels like all I can do is worry about things I can’t control.
Like, I have this existential crisis every few months or so about if I should go to university or not–if I have a choice, if my feelings are particularly relevant to this decision. I spin around and around on my little mental toilet bowl, knowing perfectly well this isn’t going to go anywhere.
I’ve just been so hard on myself of late. I’m gonna try and work on that, and hopefully go to bed early tonight.
So, I did not in fact, go to bed early. And now it’s the week after, and I feel like I could just fall asleep at my desk right now, except the moment I lie down in bed, all that exhaustion disappears, and I have to lie awake for a while.
I’ve got a big day tomorrow–school, and then a table read for the audio drama I’m working on. But weirdly, I don’t feel too nervous? That might just be the sleep deprivation.
It’s really cheesy, but I’ve been thinking a lot about something a teacher told me a while ago–you have to enjoy the process, because otherwise, what’s the point? I’ve always been a really goal-oriented kind of person, and I really don’t mean that in the positive way. My whole life is structured in my head into milestones and check-boxe. I’ve been trying to go slower, of late. Figure out what the hell that even means.
I’m so bad at appreciating what I’ve got.
When things are quiet, and I’ve got nothing better to do, I fantasize about being this super busy famous writer–having deadlines, a management team, an editor, people whose whole job is to determine my success. A platform–like, a real one, and maybe someone would recognize me at a coffeeshop once, I don’t know. Healing people in some small way with a poem, or a story, and convincing people like me it will get better.
But when things actually happen in my life, I immediately switch to fantasizing about just having a normal life. Coming home from work and watching TV and knowing that was it–I was done, no stories to write or blog posts to edit or a thousand balls to carefully juggle.
The grass is always greener on the other side. I feel like that would be a good poem.
So, exciting news: I booked my vaccine appointment! I’m gonna get the first shot on May 30th, and I’m just so relieved to finally feel a bit safer.
I’m historically not the best with vaccines. I just don’t like strangers touching me, and especially when they’re not only touching me but stabbing me with a needle, it just usually sends me into at least a minor panic attack.
Aaanyway, I will be okay, it’s just not the most pleasant experience.
So, exciting news, I guess: I auditioned for a podcast, and I’m gonna audition for two more tomorrow. I play one of the characters in We Are Here, which I just decided to take on for the hell of it, but turns out, I really like it? Like, it seriously makes me so happy? And even if nothing comes of it, I’m really glad I’ve figured that out about myself and wanted to share that with the universe today. So, yeah, that’s the life update I guess.
Okay, technically I’m writing this in June now–because it’s been a not-great two days, and side effects are a bitch, but: I got vaccinated! On the 30th! And… it wasn’t an entirely awful experience? Which is weird, because I don’t think I’ve ever gotten a shot without panicking. But the lady at the vaccine clinic was so nice, and she made me feel really at ease, and in conclusion I owe her my firstborn child.
I felt really weird afterward–like the tail end of a cold, with fun add-ins of dizziness, what felt like a fever, being really sore everywhere and not being able to move your arm. I’m fine now, though.
It feels like I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s still a little far off, but I also can see that we are getting there. Which is a feeling I’ve pretty much spent the last year waiting for.
(Editing Lorna sliding in here to say that obviously, getting vaccinated is a huge privilege, and unfortunately not something everyone has access to! I’m insanely lucky to be able to get the shot at all. Okay, now, back to our regularly scheduled programming.)
I just can’t wait for the world to get back to normal. I’ll probably still be kinda miserable, but maybe a little bit less than usual. I don’t know.
Lots of love,
A picture I took on a walk, right around sunset! I thought I wanted the sun to be at the centre, but honestly, I really like how it looks casting the edge in golden light, I feel like it turned out looking kinda cool, and vaguely vintage? (Like it was shot with a film camera, maybe?) I don’t know, I thought it was pretty.
All the flowers are blooming here! I took this on one of my walks, and I loved what I did with the editing, I thought I brought out the pink really well. I don’t know what to say–I’m honestly just really tired right now. I’ve been juggling a lot of different stuff, and sometimes it feels like any moment now it’s gonna spin out of control. Except, in the end, it never does, which is… encouraging? Maybe? I don’t know.
I really want to start getting into this blog again, and last night I got super inspired and wrote down a few post ideas. I love the idea of being, like a proper blogger, but I don’t know what there is to write about.
Honestly, I’m not the best person to give our advice, and my life isn’t particularly exciting. I love doing these diary-type posts, but I don’t know if anyone really reads them. I vaguely like the idea of writing essays too, but I don’t really have any big important opinions to impart on the world. I’m still figuring my shit out. But I’m trying to be patient with myself about that, as best as I can.
This whole month just feels like it’s gone by so fast–I’m almost done with tenth grade, and I’ve been working on completing my course selection forms for next year, which has so far given me one mental breakdown and counting. Because everyone is talking about university, and it feels like this thing is being shoved down my throat before I have enough time to think about it. And the idea of being in post-secondary education makes me want to throw up, and oh god, I’m just so ready to finish high school and so completely not?
And the thing is, I know exactly what makes me happy, what I want to do with my life–it’s just what I want isn’t exactly practical, and I have no idea how I’m supposed to get there. I just wish I could hit pause on everything for a moment, so I could have enough time to figure things out.
I’m trying to think of something wise and optimistic to say here, but honestly, this month has been kind of a downer. There have been some nice moments in there, but overall, just a big meh.
Which I guess is just life, sometimes. I’ll figure it out, and I hope, whatever you’re going through, we can fumble our way through it together.
Lots of love,
I went to the beach and tried to fly a kite yesterday! It was a really bad kite, I got it when I was ten and never learned how to fly it. As a kid, I thought every single one of my minor hobbies was going to turn into a global career, so I got this ridiculous stunt kite and thought I was going to be, like, so good at flying a kite. But it’s awful, it just nosedives into the ground at the slightest change of the wind, and I ended up breaking it, but it was still a fun time.
Today was the first day of spring break, and I actually had a really good day. I went on a walk in the woods and took a bunch of really pretty pictures, I got everything done on my to-do list, and talked with both of my friends on the phone for a really long time. It’s not often my brain decides to cooperate with me like this–and I can just, like, do things without having to coax and bribe myself into the smallest task, or act of self-care. Oh, I made this really good chocolate chip banana bread! That was pretty awesome.
I finished up editing the second episode of that audio drama I’m working on, too! I really hated this script for a while, but listening back through it and doing the final edits, I… actually kinda felt proud. And that was pretty awesome.
So, I just got back yesterday from this super-remote, middle of nowhere cabin. There was no WiFi or anything, I didn’t see a single other human being except for other cars on the road. It was really nice, I took lots of pretty pictures, and I had a really great time.
I’ve been getting into a really bad habit of just scrolling and scrolling and scrolling through social media for hours and hours, and feeling really miserable but still going back at it, because social media is very addictive, and it was really nice to get away from that for a while, and the constant anxiety the internet causes me. I’ve been trying to spend less time on my phone, and, like, be mindful of how being online all the time effects me? I don’t know, it’s nice, here’s a photo I thought turned out cool.
This is a picture I took at the beach today, I thought it looked really pretty! I can’t believe it’s almost April, time just feels like it’s going by so fast. I’m almost done with tenth grade now, and before I know it I’m gonna be a high school junior, and that’s pretty wild!
The cherry trees are starting to bloom here! I love spring so much, it’s really exciting to see everything coming together, and extra-fun/but also kind of stressful because my gardening job has just resumed in earnest, and everyone wants work to be done on their yard. But I genuinely do like helping other people out, and after a little while I get acclimatized to that schedule again, it’s just a lot to adjust to after three months off. I went on this really pretty walk today, and the ground was nice and dry, and it wasn’t too cold. I put on some music and wandered around the woods, and took this photo.
Okay, so I meant to write/finish this post up earlier, but you know me, I guess I just have to always do things last-minute. Because it is fun. (No, it’s not, I really need to stop, but that is another story.) I took this picture on another forest-walk with a friend a few days ago. It’s been so pretty and sunny out of late, and honestly it’s really been helping my mental health. Things feel like they’re looking up, somehow, which is… a really weird feeling, but a good one.
Hopefully it’s not going to crash and burn in a few days. It probably will. Oh well. I’ll see you next month!
Lots of love,