patronus (edited version)

trigger warning: suicidal thoughts


i should probably tell you there’s a dementor in my head / i created it from the well of hopeless that feels like a lake when you fall into it / and i want you to go until you’re gone / and then i’m drowning in a river of silence / there’s a dementor / i sleep with / breathes like bass cello  / and i know you want to know the truth when you ask me how my day went / but i don’t fucking know / because i believed / all the lies i could quickly inject into my veins / because nothing else felt true but / inside i’m so far away it feels like a movie i’m watching twenty feet away / the things i feel / the things i say / i should tell you /  the dementor / is not the best teddy bear / but it’s the only thing tonight that feels like safety / i should tell you / i’m drowning / i should tell you / that there’s a dementor in my head / and i know you would tell me learn how to cast a patronus / but i don’t want to / but i’m scared / but it’s a part of me / but don’t touch me / don’t get anywhere near me / don’t tell me you know me / don’t tell me / no / tell me everything that sounds like safety / because i’ve dissected myself so deeply that i don’t know what my soul would even look like anymore / & harry’s patronus / doesn’t even keep the darkness at bay forever anyway / the therapist / i only see on a walk in basis / always tells me / to be stronger / ties flimsy / guy wires to my fingers / like that’s actually enough to keep the black hole away from me / i should tell you that the memory of you is already melting into my history / i should tell you taking advice / feels like letting some stranger take remote control on your computer / i told her / i think i learned when i was younger / freeze yourself over and get some ice skates / get on your jacket / tough it out and get goddamn stronger / and maybe you didn’t even mean it like i heard it / but those words are still tattooed into my forehead / i think i learned that / beating the dementor / back with your fists / into a box of metal / it’s easier / than letting someone in / and don’t let them in they’ll just adjust the heating like it’s that simple or that easy / but hey as long as you’re the victim / you can’t be the monster / and maybe that’s why i keep hurting myself on purpose just to make sure /and while we’re at it i should probably tell you that i can’t stop thinking about what if we’re just a bunch of dust flecks shuffling around our little space rock playing universe / & what if it doesn’t matter / what if / a part of me / it doesn’t want to die exactly / it’s not that there aren’t things that make me happy / it’s just i don’t care and i can’t seem to grasp the concept that my heart is not a punching bag / and i’m not even sure i should try because what if it turns out everything i thought i knew about myself / was a lie / it’s not that i want to die exactly / it’s just /  i’m that island / in the south pacific / they all say is gonna get buried in water / and i’m stumbling around an empty room / and i swear the whole world is spinning / and i can’t breathe / and i’m collapsed against the kitchen counter / and there’s a part of me that’s numb to everything / it’s not that i want to die exactly / it’s just / i’m tired / and sleeping this out sounds / really nice /  it’s just i wanna / press pause on my life / i wanna wade through a river where the water rinses away the past and leaves me with the quiet sunrise of the future / and nothing hurts / and nothing can hurt me / i want to see if the grass is greener / because i’ve been told they have flowers / i’ve been told flowers will make me feel prettier / i’ve been told flowers are good at getting rid of monsters / i’ve been told the grass is greener / and why  / can’t / i get there?


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spoken word recording is here.

patronus

another poem that you’ve never read before! the text is also up here. and my spoken word recording (for those of you who don’t know, it’s basically me reading aloud a poem) is here. um, this poem is pretty intense. aka, talks about feelings of depression and having suicidal thoughts. so… trigger warning.


the pain / i guess it’s easier / than the echoes of your golden laughter / or maybe not laughter / maybe just smiling / maybe just stargazing / maybe just something that doesn’t leave this time / the echoes of your golden laughter work their way through my veins and why do i find it so hard to just let you laugh / why do i find it so hard to just let you be happy / why do i find it so hard to listen to you without comparing myself / why do i feel like such a mud-puddle rock-bottom cliché / and how come you never laugh when laughter is supposed to mean gliding over my skin with your ice skates / and why does communicating through myself feel like screaming through a foot of snow / there’s a dementor in my head / i created it from the inky-dark shadow-thick well of hopeless that feels like a lake when you fall into it / and i want you to go until you’re gone / and then i’m swimming / through a river of silence / there’s a dementor / i sleep with / breathes like / bass cello  / and you call me brave right before i go / and i know / that’s how it seems / i know you want to know the truth when you ask me how my day went / but i don’t know / i don’t know / i don’t know / i believed / all the lies i could quickly inject into my veins / because nothing else / felt true /  i know i approach you / with a smile on my sleeves it’s because for a moment it feels true / it’s just / inside i’m so far away it feels like a movie i’m watching six feet away from the tv / the things i feel / the things i do / the things i say / i should tell you /  the dementor / is not the best teddy bear / but it’s the only thing tonight that feels like safety / i should tell you / i’m drowning / i should tell you / that there’s a dementor in my head / and i know you would tell me learn how to cast a patronus / but i don’t want to / but i’m scared / but it’s a part of me / but don’t touch me / don’t get anywhere near me / don’t tell me you know me / don’t tell me i know me / don’t tell me / tell me everything / please tell me everything that sounds like safety / because i’ve dissected myself so deeply / that i don’t know what my soul / would even look like / and what if my patronus looks like a monster / what if i drown / in all that / bright white light / & harry’s patronus / doesn’t even keep them / away from sirius black / forever anyway / this anxiety / it’s like / fog encasing me / making everything look / sort of shaky / sort of blurry / this anxiety / i don’t think / anyone knows it’s / burying me / this anxiety / would you even understand it / if i didn’t communicate it / using harry potter references? / maybe i’m making this all up anyway / maybe i’m just crazy / the therapist / i only see on a walk in basis / always tells me / to be stronger / ties flimsy / guy wires to my fingers / like that’s enough to keep the black hole / away from me / i should tell you that the memory of you is already melting like an iceberg in my brain leaving only a couple footprints and some traces and even they will soon be washed away / i should tell you taking advice / feels like letting someone take remote control on your computer / i told her / i think i learned when i was younger / freeze yourself over and get some ice skates / get on your jacket / get stronger / tough it out / shut up i’m busy / and maybe you didn’t even mean it like i heard it / but those words / they’re still tattooed into my forehead / i think i learned that patronuses / involve yelling too much / i think i learned that / beating the dementor / back with your fists / into a box of metal / it’s easier / it’s easier / it’s easier / than letting someone in / and don’t let them in they’ll just adjust the heating like it’s that simple / like it’s that easy / don’t let them touch you / don’t let them touch you / don’t let them touch you / as long as you’re the victim / you can’t be the monster / don’t be the monster / don’t be the monster / am i just the villain? / am i just the loser? / maybe i don’t deserve your time / maybe i don’t deserve to get better / what if it’s not worth bothering to dig myself out of the quicksand in my heart / just below the trapdoor / i keep crawling into / on purpose to make sure / make sure / make sure / what if we’re just a bunch of dust flecks shuffling around our little space rock playing universe / & what if it doesn’t matter / what if / a part of me / it doesn’t want to die exactly / it’s not that there aren’t things / that make me happy / it’s not that i don’t get happy / it’s just i forget / it’s just i don’t care / it’s just i can’t seem to grasp the concept that my heart / is not my punching bag / and i’m not even sure i should try because what if it turns out / everything i thought i knew about myself / was built on pain / i don’t want to fall again / it’s not that i want to die exactly / it’s more like / the dementor has cast an ocean of voices around me / and i’m that island in the south pacific / they all say is gonna / get buried in water / it’s just / why bother / it’s just / i’m stumbling around an empty living room trying to find the bathroom / and i swear the whole world is spinning / and everything is a rippling mirage down the highway / dancing notes of music and the echoes of your laughter through my veins / and i can’t breathe / and i’m leaning against the kitchen counter / my personal gravity becoming so strong it feels like it’s trying to compact me / i still can’t breathe / there’s a part of me that’s numb to everything / it’s not that i want to die exactly / it’s just / i’m tired / and sleeping / this out sounds / really nice / it’s not that i want to die exactly / it’s just / i wanna / press pause / on my life / i wanna wade through / a river / where the water rinses away the past and leaves me with the quiet sunrise of the future / and no one is anywhere near me / anywhere near me / and nothing hurts / and nothing can hurt me / i want to see if the grass is greener / because i’ve been told / they have / flowers / i’ve been told / flowers / will make me / feel / prettier / i’ve been told / flowers  are / good at / getting rid of monsters / i’ve been told the grass is greener / why / can’t / i get there?


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