i’m not good at objectivity. because sometimes, when the light catches my cheeks just right, i feel the whole world spin on its head. but i’m trying not to get caught up in the first emotion that comes to me. i’m trying to be cool, and calm, and collected, because i’ve heard that’s a good step somewhere along the way to being happy.

so in no particular order, here’s what i remember: nothing and everything at once. a happy girl on the swingset, coming home and crying on the floor. i’ve spent so many years, clutching secrets close to my chest, and feeling their weight. but no matter how hard i try i just can’t let them go. at least, not today.

so for now, i’ll close my eyes, and let you count out all the holes in my jeans. feel soft touches build me up like rome, because no matter how hard i try to hide it i always have been a stack of dominoes.

and that’s the kind of thing i know i’d use to share with no hesitation. because the world is good, and strangers could be trusted. probably. and there was a future out there, waiting for me, just out of reach. but now i am a circuit with no fuse, ready to catch fire at the slightest gesture. but i’m not gonna hurt you. i’m gonna keep my cool if it’s the last thing i do.

here’s what i know: i am the witch, i am her hostage, and the self-entitled prince riding in to save her too. which probably means i’m a regular fucking person, also known as a catastrophic failure, or a constant work in progress.

doesn’t that make your skin crawl? doesn’t it slip under your tongue, or slither down your spine? because it does mine, every time i think about it. but i’m told that sometimes, you just have to face it head on, break in a brave face like a new pair of shoes. and catch myself when i stumble, just like i would catch you.

i’ve heard that’s something happy people do.

Another escapril prompt! I thought this one turned out pretty nicely, but let me know what you think. 🙂

lost dog

i’m really sorry: about how your life is probably shitty, because your dog ran away. i’m sorry my bus goes past this poster, every fucking day, but there’s never enough time to take down a number. but even if i did, i don’t know your dog. i haven’t seen it. there’s not much i can do.

but i’m sorry i couldn’t fix you. sorry i gave up solving other people’s problems the spring of 2018, which was just yesterday and also a lifetime ago, somehow, so… yeah, that’s crazy.

i’m sorry your life didn’t go the way you wanted it to so desperately, your starry nights toned down to a dark, oppressive grey. i’m sorry that it’s been a long year already, and twelve-year-old me was kind of a mess, which feels like a much bigger deal than it honestly is.

and i hope someday you know how much it hurts, to watch you spin around and around in your hamster wheel of misery, and know there’s nothing i can do.

because i have my own life. and more than enough issues. and i’m not a therapist, i’m not your mom, i didn’t sign up for this, i don’t know where your dog is.

and i don’t have room left for sympathy. i’m tired, and scared, and really fucking lonely, and i have a lot of learning to do. i’m not perfect, or allknowing. i don’t think i ever will be.

so thank you, for loving me, when i know it’s not easy. when i curl up into a ball, and just rip myself to shreds, and text you late at night because i can’t stand the sound of my own voice. thank you for listening, when i thought you wouldn’t.

and it will never your responsibility to fix me. i hope you know that. and if you need to keep yourself warm first, i understand. but you need me, i have armour, and a sword, and i’ll stand by your side, to defend this frozen wasteland.

autumn leaves

let’s bury ourselves in leaves until there’s nothing left but vague wisps of painful memories.


when i laughed

trigger warning: numbness, suicidal thoughts

i mean i’m scared of the depths of these feelings i mean / you make me so happy / and i am so scared you are not telling the truth / and i am so scared you’ll go / and more than that / i’m scared that i’ll fall / i’m scared i’ll let you fall because / i’m sleepless tonight and where the hell did all the colours and potential and hope of this day go and / for some reason i can only write when i’m about to fall asleep / like emotions are too scary to be felt until my brain is at the edge of being numbed out and maybe / i can understand / why people try alcohol as a way of dulling their emotions / because if there’s nothing else we can do to make ourselves feel like nothing / i mean maybe that’s no so unreasonable / i mean oh my god where are these thoughts coming from / i mean i’m scared / i mean you can tell i’m having a bad day when i spend my free time changing my tumblr theme for no apparent reason / rather than you know writing and trying my best to work through these feelings / my heart is empty and i kind of miss when the empty was all i knew / because when the empty was all i knew / there was nothing i could do about it / because when the empty was all i knew / i still had the time to take care of myself / and i know that’s stupid it’s just / when i laughed / i meant my feelings are a black hole i dance around and every word both makes it better and brings me closer / i mean i’ve gotten to the point with my writing where in order to be all right i kind of need my words to be loved by someone else / and i just want to escape / and i can’t stop thinking about the fight / the fight / the fight / and i’ve gotten to the point / with my writing / where i can’t do this without a timer / a timer / practically cradling reminding me that every day i wake up in the hospital of my body / and all the lights are blinking sirens of my heart / and my heart is telling you to let go now and / you don’t let go now / and i don’t know how to tell you how much you mean to me / and i don’t know what you would think if i told you how much you mean to me / and honestly / when i smash the keyboard / what i really mean is that / there’s a traffic jam of words / and all of them are kind of trying / to run out / and they have hurt me before / and they have made mistakes before / and i don’t really trust them / but / i need to use them / anyway / and / that scares me / and i’m naked / emotionally / trapped inside / this mind / and how can that not make someone want to die / i don’t understand please don’t see me falling apart / please don’t tell me this is the end

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