december 7th, 2019

i dream that the sun falls, and i collapse to my knees, and maybe… maybe i was wrong. maybe i don’t really deserve to be here at all.

and so crumple up your skull. bury all thoughts of going through with this, and stay right here. because this is where you belong.

and i am so tired of everything. of standing below the storm, and taking the pain, and closing my eyes, and locking it all away because nothing matters as long as the rest of the world will be okay.

i dream that i was only born yesterday, and how can i feel so old and so young all at once? how can i feel this way? how can my head sizzle, smoke, and crackle–

but i’m sure the pain is nothing compared to what you’re feeling anyway.

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fire ants / and tentacles / and sun in your eyes / ringing music / fading vision / and i don’t want to be alive. / panting breaths / and i fall apart on the floor / and i’m honestly not sure / what’s holding me up anymore / so / just close your eyes / so / just crumple onto the ground and let your hands touch the sky / and i am crawling in my skin / and i am writhing in this body / some idiot forced me to live in / and maybe / i can’t handle this / and maybe / i wasn’t meant for this / and maybe / they were wrong about me / because right now / it sure does feel like it / and / i am so fucking exhausted / so read me a fairy tale / and tuck me into bed / and tell me you love me / and turn off my mind / just like you did back then.

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i am alive

i guess this is what it feels like. to get better, bit by bit. so slow, and agonizing we barely even notice it.

i guess this is what it feels like. to breathe in the night sky through tired lungs with tears in our eyes; frost melting down our shoulders. ice-cold water, oversaturated colours.

i guess this is what it feels like. to take the first step forward, despite the cold. gritting our teeth, and eyes slammed closed, and the mountain is so tall, and some days we just want to give up. some days, we fall.

some days our arms shake, and the tears pour down our cheeks, and we let go. and we break some bones. and we’re left stranded in the middle of nowhere, all alone.

some days we cup snow in our palms, and wait for the flowers to grow. some days we scream up at the sky and beg it for a tiny piece of hope.  

but we’ll get up. like we always do. despite the labyrinth in our heads, and all the fucking battle wounds. we’ll smash apart the sky, and push until the mountains move.

because we are alive.

because it’s okay to fall apart.

because i know we’ll make it through.

because no matter how hard it tried… the fall could not destroy you.

I really wanted to build some raw, sensory descriptive language in this poem–something I’m not normally super good at doing in my writing. So I hope I did a good job at that, this was definitely an experimental-ish piece for me, as well as something I’ve been kind of working on on and off for about a week now, so yeah, it definitely feels good to finally have it done. Even though this doesn’t contain anything I can think of that needs a trigger warning, this got me tearing up, and I feel like most people who read my blog are probably going through something, so if you need to talk to anyone no matter what that something is, find a crisis line in your area here. ❤

let’s call it a brave face

i know i can’t keep this up forever. and i think you know it, too. don’t you? because beneath this golden armour,  i’m a fucking mess. and maybe i broke something, or maybe you did, but i don’t think it matters anymore. because no amount of blame is gonna put me back together again.

i know i can’t keep this up forever, but i just want to say it was… it was good while it lasted.

and more than anything, i think i just need to be needed. okay? so you don’t need to pay me back.  because this is it. this is all i ever wanted, all i ever was. my single goal in life was to feel rooted into the ground. and i honestly don’t care right now.

so i’ll be sobbing at your feet, begging you to hold me down.

This isn’t written about anyone in particular, just some general issues I have in realtionships a lot.

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but it’s just human nature (spoken word)

“Break in the Clouds” from (
Used under this license:
“Party Crowd Sound” by Daniel Simeon from (
Used under an Attribution 3.0 license.
“City Traffic And Construction Sound” by Mike Koenig from (
Used under an Attribution 3.0 license.
All of these sounds have been edited by me and are not in their original forms.

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Read the text of this poem here: