i feel it all

i light a fire out the backyard

in the freezing cold

i watch the coals sizzle and whisper quiet words of rage

i take an ice cold shower on  a frozen day

and i shiver all morning, coughing and sneezing

and making a mess

bitch and moan about how the world will never be the same again

i scroll through my phone and i feel it all

like an arrow through my chest, i bleed and i cry and i live it again

wake up early, and stay up late

i put my soul into these words and i throw them all away

‘cause i don’t know if i can keep going for one more fucking day

i talk about honesty through my pretty brave face

and i don’t tell you the truth because i’m scared you’ll walk away

i smile and nod, and i sob through all the tissues on the car ride home

i crawl inside my head, and don’t let myself out for weeks on end

i try to help and i fail, again, again, again

i pray to something that i don’t believe in

i call you on the phone

i go to the beach in the pouring rain

i scream until i haven’t got even a whisper left to go

and then i walk down the highway, all the way home

wash my jeans and go to sleep

and try to hold myself gently; hold on and don’t let go

‘cause things are changing and i’m not ready

to stay up crying on my own


i. so here’s the thing? it’s gotten better, right? so then why does the sea roar with fury, as it reaches up to the bleeding sky? why does my heart race like butterfly wings, as i peer over the edge at the cars below; little fireflies, crawling down the road. and here’s the thing: the stars still shine, and history still unfolds. how come no one good is remembered? how come we doom ourselves a little bit each day? how come it’s awful, and self-defeating, bum-bum-bum in my chest. but the stars still shine, and people still try their best. they still grow flowers in their gardens, even when it feels like the end. and god, that makes me furious.

ii. yeah. i know, i know, i know. my heroes died so many years ago. i’ve made them epitaphs, burned their bodies to ash and left them bleeding on the floor. i know no one is what they seem once you’ve looked them in the eye; and growing up just means you don’t get to believe in much of anything anymore. so i’ve long since smashed up those pedestals in my mind. ’cause all the skeletons i worshipped, now they reek of rotting flesh. but sometimes i still feel that rage like it’s yesterday, because and you made a promise, that i didn’t have to worry. that you knew what you were doing. that everything would be okay.

iii. i hope they don’t remember me. i hope nobody will lay me down n their garden; dance and weep and sob and cry, and wonder what they’re going to do without me by their side. but they will, i know it; like the back of my hand. like fate, and destiny, a million small inevitabilities, tangled up in hate. like people fall in love just to break it; slice up their palms cleaning up the mess on the kitchen floor. i hope i am loved with no complications, i hope the words i say are always true. i hope that when you wake up from the surgery, i am right there beside you, holding your hand. i hope you love me like those daisy petals you toss to the dirt. but when the city lights go out, and i am left alone, it wouldn’t be the worst fate. just another firefly, crawling down the road.

shooting stars and bad dreams

when the fridge stops working, and the dishwasher floods the kitchen

when the drywall cracks beneath the weight

of childhood portraits anchored into its abyss

yeah, when the city crumbles, when the lights turn off

when the big one comes

and the asteroid wipes out half the human race

when we stumble through the blacked-out city, 12am, dizzy and numb

looking up at the stars

asking which one we’ll become

say that you’ll find me

in the fault lines, and used glass bottles

in stifled screams

bite your hand until it bleeds

spin around in circles, and wash the fuse go

in flashlight tag

in melting icicles and broken teeth

i’m gonna fix it

i’m gonna hold your hand, and take a deep breath

and make a to-do list

rip out the floors, scavenge for scraps among the wreckage

of things that used to be

hang the paintings on a stud line

frame the pictures new again

fix the wires

and make a cup of tea

when the walls start to shake

and the sky wraps it’s spindly fingers right around my throat

when my fingers are numb to the touch

and the world fades out to grey

and we’ll make the best of a bad deal

we’ll laugh and sit in awkward silence

we’ll hold hands, and i’ll think

that you’re worth a couple stars

and that’s nothing new

blackberry roads

it smells just like blackberries on the highway

smoke and daydreams

mental breakdowns in the backseat

staring out the window

you watch the world go by until you start to get dizzy

you watch the world go by until you don’t know what you’re doing

yeah you’re fifteen, and you’re confused

so you’re reading all the books you can find

pray to god you can pay off the overdue fines

you stand there, and you watch from the sidelines

work on your note-taking skills

you are cynical and dreaming

black-eyed and bruised

and sometimes you cry like a baby

when you lose your keys

or check the news

i write my poems in second person

‘cause i can’t stand to see myself in you

I’ve been getting a lot better at guitar, and I can totally imagine this as a spoken word track–with some guitar in the background, and an old-timey vintage feel to it? I don’t know–I wanted to write a piece that encapsulated my summer, and this ended up being it.


a short reflection on how it feels to prove your humanity

scream into that empty hollow mouth of yours, and watch the sound bleed out / blink the hospital ambiance away with a flick of my tongue / and yes, i know we bleed the same / yes i know, you are a million miles away / so whisper into hollow lungs, and ignore the warning signs / the sweat crawling down your back / or that sick, cold feeling in your gut / and i’ll do the same, darling, i’ll take all my rotten parts out / and i’ll make them anew / i will do a dance and sing a song / scream and shout in my glass box, just for you / can’t you see? / but of course, to your eyes / it’s probably nothing more than coincidental symmetry / something, something / rolling the dice / when it comes down to it, when it’s “her life over mine” / you will only hesitate a moment / before you dig the scalpel in / and oh god / oh jesus fucking christ / sometimes i look in the mirror, at my plastic skull / and my sinful eyes / sometimes i can’t help but wonder if you might be right