hush (video!)

Song is “Cold Summers” by Blue Dot Sessions. It is found here ( and used according to this license ( And other than that, everything is all mine! Of late, making videos has interested me more and more of late. I’ve never really been a visual person before, although I always have sort of been passively interested in photography, I guess? Oof, I don’t know how to put it into words exactly, creativity is really messy and complicated. But I’ve been trying to experiment with new ways of expressing myself, and I have some plans for new videos that I’m really looking forward to filming, and… yeah. I don’t know where I’m planning to go with this whole thing beyond that, but I can’t wait to see where I go with this. I hope this video made you as happy as it made me. 🙂

Lots of love,


My debut podcast, just came out! Check it out here.

i don’t want to think about it

i’m having trouble keeping my eyes open, but hey. at least i can drown my thoughts out with high quality television. or books. or youtube. or anything. anything to make it stop. because when you hit the pause button, how come it all comes to a stop, and the thoughts in my head start to pick up, and suddenly i’m falling off a cliff so watch me drop



because i don’t want to think about all the things in this world i don’t know. about the emptiness thrumming in my bones, or about how no matter how much i accomplish i still feel like i’m 11 years old, not sure who i am, and drowning in my own lack of self control, and god. could someone please just call me beautiful?

and i’m having trouble keeping my eyes open, but that’s all right. i mean, i’m pretty sure it’s normal.

and it’s all healthy, teenager stuff. you just need to learn to let go, let go, let go. jump off the ledge, and feel your hair whip in the wind, feel your mind start to bend. and just… just try to forget about it. because it’s not going away any time soon.

Wow, reading and editing poems I wrote ages ago is… a trip. It’s weird–how everything has changed and yet still stayed the same all at the same time. It sounds dumb, but I miss even feeling like this.

you don’t deserve any of this

so self-centred. i can’t believe you’d do this.

so go on. take a bow. and rip your skull to pieces, and drop it on the ground, because i don’t know who convinced you that you matter, but they were wrong. 

your mind is a slippery slope. and it’s time you resigned yourself to the fact that eventually, you’re gonna fall.

because you don’t deserve any of this. so shut up. stop whinging about your problems.

it’s time to go.

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february 27th, 2020

to be honest, maybe i’ve spent my whole life like this. wondering if there’s anything in the world that could make me forget that i exist.

and to be honest, maybe i don’t know who i am if i don’t hate myself. but… maybe it’s time i figured it out.

because there comes a point in everyone’s lives when the past is not enough anymore. when i have a choice. to let it define me, or to let me define it. and i refuse to accept that this is all there is.

so for all the times i’ve said it, i’m not sorry any longer. i’m not your damsel in distress, i’m not your punching bag, or your little kid, and i’m not perfect, or invincible.

but i’m not fucking helpless. 

So… to explain the origins of this poem, basically, for a solid four years, I was bullied in school, and I’d be lying if I said that’s why I have anxiety, but it definitely messed me up, and I guess this was just my best attempt at talking back to that part of myself. 

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pins and needles

glass shards. bleeding fingers. now is not a good time to give up on yourself, you know. now is not a good time to get stomach cramps from worrying all morning, and oh god why is thinking so nauseating? why is it so hard to just keep breathing?

mouse trap, and trip wire, and do you know how many lives depend on you here?

because the thing is… it’s not perfect. it’s never perfect.  not like it is in my head. and to be honest, i hate all of this. but here i go. locking the door, and tightening the handcuff, because i don’t trust myself. to say the right thing. to smile wide, and grab your hand, and sing the theme song of some tv show.

because you’re just… you’re not enough. you’re never gonna be enough. you know?

Poetry is really good at this–at describing something I don’t know how else to put into words. I’ve been in such a weird state of late; this thorny, prickly, constantly critical place, and so… I wrote this. I hope I did a good job at capturing something I don’t know any other words for. 🙂

Find me on PatreonYouTubeInstagramWattpadTumblr, and on Twitter.