ok. you win. you melted me down into a ball of hope for the things i may never have and the dreams i can’t stop dreaming and the hope. the hope that keeps unfolding through my mind like one of those. foldable fortune tellers we used to make in elementary school when the future was small enough we could fit it on a single piece of paper tossing away moments, mostly so we could laugh as they hit the water. ok. you win. because you have melted me down into tears that come on quiet and silently. tears, it takes me a moment to find the reason for i just didn’t realize how empty i was for the kind of love that’s enough until i met the absence of it. so you win. against all my doubts, you win. so that means you get to wear the quiet medal that you made me miss something i’ve never really touched only stared at from a distance watching the horizon grow further and further away from me. ok. you win. that means you get to say that for a second, even if it was only a second, your flaws didn’t matter; the lip gloss and the cliches twisted into pretty new outfits the too-neat endings didn’t matter because i can feel a small, small, remnant of something deeper. something like inside jokes and buried treasure. like not laughing to hide the angry and everything being okay again. like all the bruises of today and the scratches of tomorrow and the screaming matches of yesterday are gone, not even in a romantic way, and for a second i can breathe. like for a second there’s enough of me left to forgive you. enough of me left to hold this small part of the world together. and i still am not the kind of person who knows the encouraging thing to say, but if i just say hello, will you say, hey?
yay! a spoken word recording! if you have any requests for more audio recordings for poems that have already appeared on this blog, please drop me a comment with your request, and i’ll consider it. (note: CONSIDER does not mean i will do your bidding on demand. i will CONSIDER it. after all, i still have a ferocious poet mystique to deal with.)
a true story of love loss heartbreak whatever-fancy-words-you-want-to-call it etc.
the problem / with beautiful / is that it always ends / & i’m standing here after you closed the door behind you / said you were going to work / waiting for a chance to say goodbye / my fingers brushing against the white enamel / waiting for a chance to continue the storyline / the problem is eventually everything you love / is going to stop / eventually all these records / are going to rot into the ground / all these books / won’t be remembered / all our skeletons / will be beyond / preservation / eventually / nothing will be forever / eventually / all these houses we called home / will turn to dust / & i know / that’s a trillion years away / i know how long we have before the sun explodes / i know it’s not something i have to worry about / but it / will / happen / think about that don’t / think about that. // i know when you interview me / you act like / you’re trying to sort my personality into neat little columns / so i can see myself but in a different font with the contrast / up / i know when i talk about it it makes so much sense to say three words / it’s always three words / i / am / sad / i / am / angry / i / am / in / love / i / am / happy / but it’s not that simple / there are scabs / scattered across my face / even though i can’t / get / it / perfect / even though / saying hello makes me cringe / at this mess of a person i’ve become & / by mess / i mean i feel like a rearrangement of / broken mirrors / i feel like / a kind of rearrangement of / dead plants / got pulled up by the roots / when you look into the mirror really / really close / all the flaws appear / all the skin / keeps turning into a monster’s / i mean i’m not perfect / i mean my cheeks are the battlefields my anxiety likes to have its bloodbath skirmishes across i mean / if i were younger / or a boy / or just / prouder / happier / confident-er / didn’t care / didn’t yearn for love like rapunzel / wants to know / what dirt / feels like / like the little mermaid / wants to walk on the beaches / rather than swimming in the water / & i went to school with hair that makes me look like a wild thing with battlefields on my forehead / it would probably seem a lot better / a lot easier / a lot better / a lot easier / a lot prettier / prettier / prettier / when i look in the mirror / all the flaws circle themselves in red pen / & then in highlighter / it’s a sunny day / & the misshapen leaves have this way of glowing green after the snow / & i’m only feeling somewhat unexhausted / because i drank coffee / i am like a textbook case of / how anger / drives you crazy / like living with your own torturer / she / had a point here / i feel like one of those dancers / getting raised up in the air / spin around / spin around little / pretty bird / i mean / even if i gave you / half my effort / like effort was water / i could bathe you in / i don’t feel like it would matter / not really / i want to talk / with you / except / i don’t think anyone else wants / me to / i feel so / aimless / sometimes / & by aimless i don’t mean / i didn’t know / where to fire i mean / i fired / & now i’m sort of floating in the air / wondering / if i could go back / scared of the posters on the doors / i run out of the building sometimes / & it feels like / there were these wings / folded up / on my back / i never noticed before / never felt before / i’m wondering how to distinguish between / hungry / & fed up / how to distinguish between / exhausted / & burnt out / wondering / if sleeping / really makes anything better anyway wondering / why / i can’t / treat myself / any better knowing / the answer / what i really mean / is i’m like a little kid asking their parents why / they have to eat / this stupid asparagus / asking their parents / why they have to do this / knowing that talking to you is like talking into a wall of concrete & expecting it to understand you you / knowing / it won’t make a difference / the problem with this book / is i open it when it’s 3a.m. in my heart & i’m screaming at myself for being like this thinking it’s an effective gardening technique / to kill all your weeds / to kill all your plants / & now your backyard is this wasteland you don’t know how to navigate / & it’s starting to rain / & now you’re stranded in the middle of your own website / except you’re not really stranded / you know how to swim across the ocean / you just wish / that yelling it made people more inclined / to listen / & / hanging my head like / a hemlock / in the process of falling / telling you / this battle is over / is like / dipping your toes into / melting hot water / moving / inch by inch / struggling to believe / those inches will someday turn into kilometres / the problem / with beautiful / is that i’m reading this book / falling in love with you / crying inside every time / you do / i’m reading this book remembering / what peace / is remembering / what love is remembering / what it looks like to have dreams / that we learned how to cup in our hands / like bathwater / for years without a single drop / slipping away / & then / i sort of flip / to part three / & now i’m starting to cry / because i just pulled up a bunch of dead kale / & chard / & lettuce / & then called this / march / called it / marching / called it making way for the new / called it springtime / but really what i mean / is every / pretty thing seems / to have bloodstains / on its / fingertips / & really what i mean / is i’m at part 3 / & i’m considering / not reading any further / because i know how this ends / because i know / that i’m like a moth / flying into a housefire / watching you / make flowers / only to rip them apart / petal / by / petal / falling onto the gravel / why is it / that some people / don’t deserve a happily ever after?