deathbed
feel the cavern of your chest collapse
for things that should have been
for your stupid fucking ineptitude
for your failure, again, again
close your eyes, and take one
big heaving breath in
take a melatonin
forget in the morning, when you wake up
to the steam on the fence
the hot rising sun
you will make so many mistakes
leave people and promises all littered
in your wake, you will grieve and you will bite
and in your tired joints, you will fucking ache
but do you remember, when your heart was open wide?
do you remember what that felt like, that brief
half-second of euphoria
remember, when you dug your clawed fingers through the dirt
in the pouring rain, and swore on your deathbed
you would make this work
feel your estuary lungs droop, and ache
remember fury? remember
when life was a competition, and you wanted to win
remember facetime calls in the back garden, pacing back and forth
remember heart-beat-pounding you don’t have long to make this work
close your eyes
feel the saltwater course through your veins, remember
wet grass soaking through your shoes remember
the lump in your throat, remember the sting
when you couldn’t say no
and squeezing into hopes and dreams
like that first-date dress that just won’t fit
let it fizzle
let it burn
let your fingers dance across the keys
til you’ve got nothing good to say anymore
and scribble out all
of your old notebook pages
no amount of time will ever be enough to
unlock all my cages
and watch the landslide start, boulders rolling down your skin
snapping trees like toothpicks, imagine yourself a mountain,
as the peak breaks in two
imagine bleeding and fury
all the things i was supposed to do
bite your lip, and fall asleep
in the doorway, try to word it nice
and professional
as the winter waves crash against my shore
i don’t say a word, not yet
‘cause i can’t stand this either way
peer through the cracks of your self-made barricade
and look out at the world you see
burning and bright
you’re just as lost as everyone else
screaming and shouting out there
feel your knees buckle like atlas
beneath the weight of it all
you’re gonna crash, and burn
you’re gonna count every last autumn leaf
as it falls
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