thoughts while learning to drive

stop before the sign, then inch forward


don’t hit the pedestrian

hold the wheel firm and strong

don’t crash into the neighbour’s car

make up your mind

have a plan before you go

don’t half-ass it, drop out 

before the finish line

’cause there’s no time for being nervous

now you’re out on the road

now the cars are piled up behind you

pull over, they’ve all got somewhere to go

don’t panic and don’t cry

you are not three years old

just keep your eyes on the horizon

indicate before turning and look where you want to go

and maybe if i try hard enough

mimic the way she holds her head

then i’ll stop feeling crazy

then i’ll stop feeling weak

do not hesitate

do not falter

smooth motions; no stomping on the brakes

maybe if i did yoga

or got better grades

maybe if i tried another medication

until i’m all out of brand names

maybe if i took up running

cold showers

maybe if i acted like the other kids

take the car out of park, reverse, 

then shift into drive

don’t scratch the paint

don’t drive into the thorns

i’ve spent my whole life wishing i could be in control

but now it’s here, i’m sitting behind the wheel

and i still feel like i’m eleven years old

no wait i’m twenty-five

pull over for the car behind you

don’t park near the traffic

scratch that, just get out of this alive

’cause now i’m sixteen and

it doesn’t feel like a movie

but it definitely isn’t real

soft feather-fingertips and frost on the glass

the new year’s coming

brake slowly after easing off the gas

I’ve been learning to drive. It’s exhilarating, and really scary too Sixteen is a weird age to be.

on the days when it really feels like the world is ending

on the days when it really feels like the world is ending(1)

trigger warning: self-harm, suicidal thoughts

because today i had to take two ice-cold showers i felt so dizzy. and i’m still not entirely sure if it was because of the heat or because of my anxiety. and because yesterday i was up until 1a.m. imagining what it would feel like to cut myself open and laugh as the pain rips through me. and so tonight i lie awake, staring at the ceiling, and it’s fine when the lights are on but the second they go off everything slowly starts collapsing. because i just want to sleep. i just want to be ok. and i don’t know how long this will last. i don’t know if this is weeks or a day. i don’t know, and it just feels… so… heavy. and i don’t know how to handle the way the days stack together like dominoes because we train wrecks probably qualify as birds of a feather or something. and late at night, i like to go insane inside, collapsing a little more every night. and i have to be perfect, right? and i have to be brilliant, right? and i have to snap all the broken glass shards together and do it somehow without bleeding. somehow, without screaming. because today, i felt so nauseous i was about to pass out and maybe that isn’t really a stretch of the imagination anyway. and maybe i just don’t know what i’m doing. and maybe i don’t know where all my broken pieces are supposed to fit in this tired body; full of imperfections and i’m just so fucking tired of not knowing what’s even happening. and i’m sorry for all the times i’ve lied, okay? i’m sorry for all the times i fucked up and made mistakes and didn’t tell anyone that i wasn’t all right. i’m sorry for all of this mess, scattered around us. i’m sorry if i can’t fix it. i’m sorry if the world i live in is a fucking mess. i’m sorry if i’m walking into the lion’s den, kind of like an idiot. i’m sorry, okay? i’m sorry i’m not perfect.

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