Hey people! So, I don’t think I’ll be continuing Month in Photography, because it no longer feels like a challenge to me, so instead I’ll be doing photo essays! I don’t know how often these will be releasing, but I have another set of photos taken, it’s just a matter of editing them and getting them in the right order.
August, for me, isn’t a very pretty month–the air thick with smoke, the heat still uncomfortably high, the ground dry to the bone, all the flowers of May and June long-since wilted and gone. It’s not very pretty–as things shift from autumn to fall, wilting and rotting into the ground. But I think there’s something to it, if you give it a closer look. I hope I did a good job capturing that in these photos.
It’s been actually, like, sunny here again?! So, that’s wild. I’ve been getting really into my Biology 12 course, it’s actually super interesting, especially the stuff about DNA. We’ve been learning about cloning and gene therapy and stuff–which is objectively terrifying, but also really fun to think about, love me a good moral dillemma. And I have a story idea that vaguely involves it too. This is the first time I’ve actually been interested in schoolwork in a while.
It’s just been a week, honestly. Time feels like it’s flying by way too fast, and way too slow at the same time. I haven’t been sleeping good, which isn’t helping either.
I made myself so tired last night, I felt like I was gonna throw up. (Which is a thing you can do, according to Healthline.com, so yeah.) I got eight and a half hours of sleep, which is downright luxurious compared to what I normally ge, and still kinda feel like shit. I’ve been getting waves of nausea all day today, and I keep getting headaches, and kind of vaguely feel like I might pass out, which is fun. I’m gonna try and go to bed early tonight, which hopefully should clear things up.
So, full disclosure, I did not actually take this picture on February 25th, but deal with it–it snowed, and I took enough pictures to easily last me through the rest of the month, and as a bonus, presents the illusion I actually experience this much snow. (When in reality, I think we’ve had like four days of snow this year, and lots and lots of rain.)
I’ve been working really hard on a bunch of different projects, and trying to get better at taking care of myself. For the first time in, like, pretty much forever, doing this stuff doesn’t make me feel like I’m pulling out my own teeth or something–attempting to get enough sleep, making myself nice meals, drinking enough water–you get the idea.
I’ve been going on long walks, just wandering around and exploring on my own for hours on end, and thinking about my life, and for the first time, it doesn’t feel like a bad thing.
I’m gonna be going back to work, starting to garden for people again in a few weeks, which I’m actually really excited about, I might have a new client? The weather is finally warming up, the sun isn’t setting at four in the afternoon? Honestly, things are looking up.
I can’t believe the month is almost over!
I don’t really have anything exciting to write about, not much is going on right now–but I really like this picture, I went on a walk in he woods the other day, as one does, and found lots of cool things, including but not limited to: this puddle, a punch of sticks arranged in a Pentagram, a bunch of branches the wind had blown over, a cool tree, and some weird animal prints. (But I don’t have pictures of those, because my phone died.)
So, full disclosure, as I write this it is very late at night, and I’m tired, but I need to get this post done, so if this turns out absolutely incoherent or really weird, now you know why.
I’ve been wandering around the forest some more of late, and listening to music on my phone, and writing an honestly concerning amount for one of my projects, and sort of neglecting the other, which is probably not too great, but at least I’m having fun.
Also, I just rebranded the blog a little bit–since in the next year, I’m hoping to expand this site beyond poetry, although I don’t quite know what that’s gonna look like yet. But I can’t wait to figure it out.
Okay! I will be back next month, so until then, I guess. Here’s hoping March won’t be too terrible? I guess?
It’s only been a week since the start of this month, but it feels like it can’t have been been maybe a day.
I’m in a really weird place right now, honestly. But that’s probably just because I forgot to take my meds–which I’m probably gonna change, because they have zero effect on me other than making me feel worse when I don’t take them, because of withdrawal. I’ll call the doctor on Monday.
So, I have a tripod now! And I will take as many obnoxiously dramatic ocean pictures with it as I want to. (This wasn’t shot in a remote area or something, by the way, people were watching and probably thought I was super weird, but I did it anyway so ha! Take that, social anxiety!)
Anyway. It’s been getting dark so early here of late, there aren’t that many hours of light anymore. My school goes on winter break soon, too. I’m trying not to freak out; winter and spring break are always really bad for my mental health. I thrive on routine, and just being cooped up in the house with nothing to do for two weeks is kind of my personal nightmare.
I’m trying to get back on my feet, and into some kind of routine. My sleep schedule is a mess, and I’ve been just all over the place of late. But hopefully, that’ll change soon.
This morning, I went to the post office, and mailed off my Christmas gift to my friend.
It was disgustingly wet–pelting rain, and the kind of wind that whistles in your ears when you try to walk through it. But I don’t mind. I love going to the beach, when it’s like this; I always have. When no one else is there, and the whole sea feels like yours for the taking. I like to run right to shoreline, and race up to safety when a wave crashes, and sing at the top of my lungs, or just scream at the sky.
I always come home freezing cold, and soaking wet. But it’s totally worth it.
So, it snowed yesterday! I’ve been waiting, like, two months to post a casual snow picture in one of these posts, as though this is a casual occurrence for me. (Even through in reality, where I live we get maybe two or three days of snow a year.)
I woke up to four new auditions for my audio drama–and snow falling outside my bedroom window. Honestly, it was the first time in ages that… I don’t know, the world pleasantly surprised me. Which was nice.
I got some pretty cool early Christmas presents, too! Even if it started raining after maybe two hours of snow, and everything got all gross and slushy, it was a good day.
So, today was Christmas. I’ve never been a huge Christmas person–honestly, it’s usually pretty lonely and depressing, and shopping for gifts is always stressful, and there’s so much social pressure surrounding it, to have this perfect day or whatever, and the fact that the year is ending soon really isn’t helping things. I’m trying to write a poem, but it just keeps coming out wrong.
I’m super tired, and stressed out, and I feel like something is gonna go wrong–because nothing bad has happened in my life for a few days now, and that’s weird, and terrifying, because something bad is gonna happen soon–I can feel it.
I’m gonna try and put myself to bed early. Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow.
Ugh, I’m so tired. Technically I did get eight hours of sleep, but for some reason I feel like collapsing on the floor and never getting back up again.
I have a lot of stuff to do though–and I can’t afford to spend another day binging Parks and Rec all afternoon. The new year is only a few days away, and I guess it’s just depressing–looking back at last year, remembering the excitement and hope in the air, and realizing… it’s just not there anymore?
I have really bad writer’s block, too. And I’m trying to edit a podcast episode, which is a headache, and yeah, altogether, this is just not a good day.
I’m getting so fed up of winter break. I can’t wait to have to go places again, and catch the bus, and use the automatic hand sanitizer dispenser thingies we have at school, like, a million times. Even though I’ll still be sad, but at least I’ll have some semblance of routine to distract me.
Okay, so technically I’m writing this on January 1st–because last night I was really tired, and not in the best mood, which didn’t seem like a good note to end this post on. (I try to be reasonably uplifting.) Anyway, let’s ignore that, shall we? Wonderful.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this year–and trying to work out what the hell I want it to look like for me, even though in reality I don’t feel like I have much of a choice in that matter.
Last year, I remember for New Years, because we were all making a super big deal out of the new year back then, my friends and I had a sleepover. We stayed up until midnight, and played Monopoly, and ate these really good nachos, and went outside to look at the stars. We made up our own constellations, but I can’t remember what they were now. It felt like something out of a movie.
I’d just spoken at WE Day a month earlier, and I felt like finally, I could see a future for myself I actually wanted. I had this whole vision plotted out in my head. All these amazing people I was gonna meet, things I was gonna do…
And then COVID happened, and life slammed into me like a soccer ball to the gut, and none of that stuff happened. And instead… I ended up making a podcast, Sonnets of a Teenage Wannabe, getting a job over the summer, planning out my finances, writing an audio drama and starting to work with actual voice actors, and getting ready to graduate next year. I hope this doesn’t come across like I’m bragging, or anything like that–it just helps to remind myself this wasn’t a year wasted.
I tend to plan things really far ahead–I have the next decade of my life worked out already. Where I want to live, how I’m gonna decorate my apartment, how much I can afford to pay for rent, how much I need to put aside to save for retirement a year… you get the idea.
I like certainty and routine, and when things don’t go according to plan, I beat myself up over it, even if the change is good. I’m constantly evaluating myself based on some outdated rubric, and sometimes I forget to look up, and see things for what they are.
This year wasn’t what I thought it would be. It was awful, and traumatizing for pretty much everyone, I think, and overall a giant letdown.
I don’t think I believe in destiny or fate or anything like that. But I do believe that something good has to come from this, even if it’s hard to imagine that right now. And that I’m on the right path, no matter how dark and lonely it feel in this moment.
Partially just for the sake of my own sanity–but you know.
I took this the morning of September 29th–I know, not technically October.
But for the purpose of this post, let’s just call it that! I always fog up the bathroom after I shower, and have to open the window up afterwards, which is totally preventable, but I do it anyway, because I’m tired–and because I forget.
I love watching the steam pour out the window, and seeing the rays of sun pour in.
As the last of summer fades, I like to go on walks right as the sun sets.
(Partially because seven o’clock is a convenient time for me, but still.) It just feels… really peaceful, I don’t know.
Around October 5th, the leaves begun to drop.
I took this on the same walk as the picture above, for context, and I thought the spindly branches looked super creepy!
I have a very love-hate relationship with autumn weather.
I mean, I get to wear sweaters, which is always a plus, but also, if I want to go walking, I have to get my life together before 6:30; since by October 11th, that’s when the sun was starting to go down. Which, even though I get up at eight, is really when my brain is starting to wake up? So for me, autumn means a lot of late-night walks with my mom. It’s freezing cold, and usually kind of rainy, but you get to see the city lights, and take vaguely spooky pictures, so it’s worth it.
I’ve been having trouble with school of late.
Not in the academic sense. I’m on top of all my courses; but I’m only doing it by the force of sheer terror. I don’t know why I care, I don’t know what the point of any of this is, and honestly… of late, I’ve just been feeling really depressed. I might not feel anxious to the degree I did before, but this kind of lonely hopelessness… well, it’s a different kind of torture. And sometimes, I just come home and cry, because it all feels… pointless. And performative. And fake. And, yeah, that’s been hard–because depression is scary, and because I don’t have the time to feel this way. I have a job, I have writing, I have so many tasks constantly up in the air, and no matter how hard I work, it never feels… good enough. As I write this, it’s only October 16th, but it feels like it’s been years since school started.
It’s been a really weird week.
I’ve been okay. I guess. At least, I’m more functional, and I finished another one of my courses–so, uh, one less course until I graduate? God, I don’t know.
I saw a friend, who for reasons, hasn’t been able to see me since August. It was really good. Sometimes, you just kinda miss someone for so long that you just get used to it. And you forget, how good it feels to just see someone in person. I don’t know when I’ll get to see her again–probably not until Christmas. But it was something; a tiny vestige of how things used to be.
I’ve been staying up, later and later. Watching TV for way too long, and putting off doing any meaningful work, which hasn’t been great. But I don’t really know what to do about it. So I’m just… trudging along, I gess, through this weird fog in my head.
Oh, yeah! I’m not trick or treating or anything, because COVID; but I am hanging out with a singular friend! We might string up a pinata in the backyard, and have a nicer-than-usual dinner or something. I’m excited! I’m gonna dress up as Rosie the Riveter for Halloween, by the way. So, uh, that’s neat I guess. (Also, inexpensive. Did I mention inexpensive?)
I’ve been going back to my roots, of late.
Thinking about the person I used to be, two years ago. If you’re older than almost-15 and reading this, you’re probably going to laugh… but I feel so old, these days. I can’t believe time has passed so quickly. I feels so old. Wasn’t it just yesterday, I was scared of the tall, invincible teen girl with earbuds in as she crossed the street. And now, I am that girl. But I’m not anywhere near invincible. (And I think I’m only around 5’7.) I’ve been writing lots of journal entries, and taking tons of photos, and going on long walks through the woods.
I feel like I’m entering a new phase of my life, right now. And as it stands, I”m not quite sure what that means. Both personally, and writing-wise.
But I’ll figure it out. There’s no rush. I have to remind myself of that, a lot.
Hey guys! Welcome to the first installment of a series I hope can continue for quite a long time. Month in Photography will be a series of photos I took, throughout the course of the month–think of it like a little scrapbook, but on the internet.
I want to be able to highlight the good memories, and look back on the positives–as well as the negatives. I want to build some kind of memorial to what actually happened, to look back on when I need it.
I have a tendency to forget about those good things–to let my depression trick me into losing sight of who I am. But… I want to keep those memories, hold them close. Because they matter.
September has been… I mean, it’s been a month? God, I don’t know. In all honesty, it’s hard to believe it’s over.
I went back to school. And as I record this–I mean, I’ve gotten anxious, of course I have, but I haven’t had to hide in the bathroom hyperventilating, or anything like that. Whenever I feel the sickening fear creeping up on me, I’ve always been able to bring myself back down to earth. And I’m really proud of that.
It feels really good. To just see people again. I don’t care, if they have their masks on, or if they’re six feet away–all I need to know, is that there’s someone out there. That I’m not just a bunch of pixels, floating around the internet. Or whatever.
I am scared. I am scared, of where the world is going. I’m scared I’m not doing enough. And in many ways, this has been a month tinged with absolute terror–that I’m going to get used to this new normal, only for it to be ripped away again. I don’t know what to do with that. How to just sit with it in my mind.
But I got through this month. And it wasn’t as bad as I thought. And that’s something, right?
To be totally honest, I am scared of what October is going to bring. And I know I can’t be the only one who feels this way. The world is a really terrifying place to live in right now. I can’t deny that, I can’t make it suddenly better. But I do know that amid all of this, there are good things. Small, beautiful moments. Dandelions blooming between the slabs of concrete, against all odds.
Or something. I’m really tired. Honestly, I don’t know.
Hang in there, is what I’m trying to get at. Please take care. We’ll catch up next month!