lavender – a poem

Copy lavender.jpg

empty aching silence and i’m shivering in the winter of your heart. because time exists. because the cold echoes through the wind and the whole landscape is empty. empty. empty. like your eyes in the mornings and if i could just feel nothing for a while. if my body could stop falling apart like an out of order factory. if my mind could make sense independent of me that would be nice. i’m not saying it’s going to happen i’m just saying i wish it could be easier sometimes. wish i could just pop a pill and then my tired eyes could shift into focus and suddenly everything would make sense and by that i mean everything would be all right.  lavender baths and midnight writing sessions and maybe this is. enough. to fix myself. to make everything stop falling apart because i’ve never been a healthy person, i’ve just been really good at looking like one. because i don’t know who i am if i’m not working. i don’t know who i am if my head isn’t submerged and drowning. and right now coffee is the only thing right now that can snap my mind into focus and make it start working. slowly lifting weight off my shoulders, wondering when my feet will lift up off the ground and i’ll float into outer space and then i’ll never see you again, because sometimes it feels that way. like being sad and being alive are pretty much the same thing inside me. because i don’t just feel little things. no, you don’t understand. when i cry, i make oceans. when i cry, i drown a little, only no one notices. when i cry, i can’t even figure out what the truth is. when i cry, i hate myself more than a little bit. but then… there are also the days when there are a couple clouds in the sky. slight mist and the lavender plants smell like purple sunsets, and i lean back against the grass and i look up at the sky. and i can’t quite put it into words. but in that exact moment, the world makes sense to me.

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