you can’t fix him, honey
but i know you tried
i know you stayed up all night
asking god through google searches
if it was gonna be all right
you took him to the urgent care
you held onto his bracelet, you sat at his side
you waited and you drank your coffee
he said he wasn’t mad
you tried not to cry
you tried so hard
you did everything right
you said it diplomatic, said it soft, said it kind
you rubbed sore muscles
and tiptoed over landmines
you found a hawk at the window, kept it
in a cardboard box for days
you gave it food and water
it hunted you for prey, you listened to it cry
you whispered under your breath, as if
you could teach it how to fly
you cleaned the table
you did the dishes, ‘til they were stacked up high
loved the world so much
you thought you would die
you took home misfit toys and broken plates
and never quite figured out how to glue them
back together, and they always made you cry
you planted a garden out of ashes, and grew tired
by the fifteenth try
you were always the last to hang up the phone
and you were bitter, you were mean
you walked on tired feet and aching thighs
you stood paralyzed at the kitchen sink
all your houseplants died
you woke up early, you
cracked a joke over breakfast
bit your lip, you did not cry,
did not admit defeat until your heart was jagged
and bleeding, until you weren’t sure you would survive
you botched the surgery
you left your hope inside of his chest
you sat and you watched on the sidelines
steeped in bitterness, you whispered
under your breath with each cry
you can do it, just flap your wings
can’t you get better?
can’t you fucking try?
you can’t rinse the anger out of someone
who doesn’t want to bathe
you can’t pump the sadness out of someone’s weary veins
you can’t take bad memories like cough syrup
gulp them down with sugar, with tea
you can’t stop the tide
but you tried your best
you scraped your hope out of his chest
you bit your tongue so hard
you forgot how to speak your mind
you can’t save them all, honey
not this time