july 14th 2022

my dearest,

i slept through the earthquake

not one but both times, and i’m glad i wasn’t looking

i’m glad i didn’t know, glad i didn’t get a phone ’til one year later

call me sentimental, or nostalgic

or fucking sixteen

i don’t know

my darling,

i’ve had a lump in my throat for years now

and i’ve never told you that before

i’m sorry for all the times i’ve been anything less

than forthright, or honest

i get in my head about these things

i bite my tongue, and i trip over my feet

and i zoom in so far on the screen, i can’t see

what any of this means

my love,

sometimes, i look into the mirror

and i try to see it through your eyes

and for a moment, i feel pretty, and warm

and absolutely fine

i’m trying to be better at that

trying not to dig rabbit holes into my brain

bury myself six feet under, before i go half-insane

and so i run around in circles

i run until my legs hurt

until the world is a shimmering mirage down the highway

until i can’t hear my voice over the traffic’s roar

and sweetheart,

i don’t know if i’ll be hanging

around here anymore

by the water

where the river splits in two

where capillaries merge into throbbing veins

where i lie on the floor and think please not again

where i wait out the storm, ‘til the lights flicker on

you tell me what it means

you pick the symbolism out of tea leaves

and poetry, i just make this shit up

i just swallow my tongue, and wait for days

to puke it up

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