feel the choir in your shaking lungs,
the mucus-soaked daggers in your throat
it’s so close and yet so far away
remember how it felt? remember
the way the light called to you, dizzying
remember the people in that room, laughing and cozy and warm
remember how the flames touched your skin but you didn’t care as your cheeks melted onto the floor
as your eyes went blind in the flashing lights
it’s all inside your head
this whole kingdom you’ve built
it’s made from iron filings, a couple
magnets from the dollar store
and if you close your eyes then you are floating
on a rock, in space, and you are still trapped inside your mind
scroll through old messages and delete each and every one
vivisect each piece of yourself, present them in packages
hand-picked to please
and keep going, keep cherry-picking til your fingers are sore
keep going until you just can’t do it anymore
race toward the light and do not think where you are going
feel the weight of gravity one split second
before the crash, before the fall
before the words left unsaid squirmed in your throat
before you became someone you didn’t recognize at all
twist and turn and shift in the water, slippery skin beneath your fingertips
bite your tongue, hear the voices echo in your head
and remember a time when you didn’t know the kind of things
that will be said, and said, and said, ghost-knives cutting into skin
shrink back into old t-shirts that never quite fit
and perch on your candle on january 1
watch it burn your wings, watch it make you holy
and wish you had the strength to run