i went out by myself today, and i didn’t worry once what you would think, that whole night. if the jokes made by the guy on stage, or the look in my eyes. is this too much? is this too big, and loud? did i make a mistake?
’cause when people praise me, i don’t believe them, no matter what promises they make. i’ve never walked far enough, never pushed hard enough. and every step i take, there’s a door that closes all too soon. there’s something on the list i haven’t yet checked off, but i’ll get it done, at least by next full moon.
i sat on the phone on the couch today, and tried to trace my footsteps through the snow, back to the beginning. wondered when my calendar started to look like a half-finished prophecy, a paint-by-numbers way to say i’m running out of time.
i came home from work today and laid on the deck outside, watching the clouds pass by. took crap advice from strangers, from teachers, from friends too. i ate up your words with a plastic spoon, and felt the dull butter-knife scrape against my tongue.
i stared at myself in the mirror as we drove, drummed my fingers on my lap. i didn’t check my phone.
i’m tapping my feet against the floor, i’m ready to get up, to run as far as my legs can go. i’d do it, i swear, if i could only find the time. if i could only stop sitting there, staring at a blank screen and losing my mind, drawing up lists of things to take, and things we’ll have to leave behind.