i light a fire out the backyard
in the freezing cold
i watch the coals sizzle and whisper quiet words of rage
i take an ice cold shower on a frozen day
and i shiver all morning, coughing and sneezing
and making a mess
bitch and moan about how the world will never be the same again
i scroll through my phone and i feel it all
like an arrow through my chest, i bleed and i cry and i live it again
wake up early, and stay up late
i put my soul into these words and i throw them all away
‘cause i don’t know if i can keep going for one more fucking day
i talk about honesty through my pretty brave face
and i don’t tell you the truth because i’m scared you’ll walk away
i smile and nod, and i sob through all the tissues on the car ride home
i crawl inside my head, and don’t let myself out for weeks on end
i try to help and i fail, again, again, again
i pray to something that i don’t believe in
i call you on the phone
i go to the beach in the pouring rain
i scream until i haven’t got even a whisper left to go
and then i walk down the highway, all the way home
wash my jeans and go to sleep
and try to hold myself gently; hold on and don’t let go
‘cause things are changing and i’m not ready
to stay up crying on my own