i’ve climbed the mountain and i have done exactly what you asked

i have sung your cloying song and danced your pretty dance

taken a painkiller to boot, ‘cause my throat is sore and my eyes start to water

at the sight of pigtails and braids and a warm, soft bed

i’ve climbed the mountain and come down, gasping and sore

tired, aching, still wanting for more

‘cause there’s no value in the achievement

in the ache and the pain, the bloody teeth

the pages rolling off my cheeks

i don’t know how to fit my feelings

into boxes, i don’t know how to make them nice

and good, and neat

to follow the hand-outs and the worksheets

and make it stick this time

i don’t know how to curtsy and remember the cues

i’m trying, though, i swear to you

and is it failure i’m facing

or is this just real life? 

‘cause aching dreams seemed prettier

in the early morning light

when whatever it takes sounded like a wedding vow

and desperate fixation felt like intimacy

i’ve lied in bed all morning and stared up at the ceiling

muscles screaming

for motion and feeling, wind in my lungs and something to chase

for shoulders at rest

my thoughts running slow

it’s just a fantasy

some romanticized bullshit, a glamour

i’ll never be able to let go

but god, it’s a good one

watching me at night

when time is running slow