i’ve climbed the mountain and i have done exactly what you asked
i have sung your cloying song and danced your pretty dance
taken a painkiller to boot, ‘cause my throat is sore and my eyes start to water
at the sight of pigtails and braids and a warm, soft bed
i’ve climbed the mountain and come down, gasping and sore
tired, aching, still wanting for more
‘cause there’s no value in the achievement
in the ache and the pain, the bloody teeth
the pages rolling off my cheeks
i don’t know how to fit my feelings
into boxes, i don’t know how to make them nice
and good, and neat
to follow the hand-outs and the worksheets
and make it stick this time
i don’t know how to curtsy and remember the cues
i’m trying, though, i swear to you
and is it failure i’m facing
or is this just real life?
‘cause aching dreams seemed prettier
in the early morning light
when whatever it takes sounded like a wedding vow
and desperate fixation felt like intimacy
i’ve lied in bed all morning and stared up at the ceiling
muscles screaming
for motion and feeling, wind in my lungs and something to chase
for shoulders at rest
my thoughts running slow
it’s just a fantasy
some romanticized bullshit, a glamour
i’ll never be able to let go
but god, it’s a good one
watching me at night
when time is running slow