unless you were there

you wouldn’t know unless you were there. i’ll never be able to explain the hatred, twisting and building up a nest in my ribcage. i promise, i’ve tried my best to get rid of it. i tried to tie it up with a ribbon, tried to root out the weeds from the garden of my heart. but there’s dirt under my fingernails, and sweat dripping down my back, and i think it might be to stop trying to save the needle in the haystack. i’ve been bitter from the start. so i stuffed my purse full of chocolates and i ate that shit whole. you wouldn’t know unless you were there, your heart pounding as you stared out over the sea, wishing you could run forever. wishing for anything to hold. you wouldn’t feel it in your gut, you wouldn’t churn with its flow. wishing to crumble like an empire, and let someone better pick through whatever might remain. i wanted to watch this fall apart from a million miles away. wanted to follow in my mother’s footsteps, which is really just to say: i know what happens next, and i am not afraid.

I’m super proud of this piece, and I’m planning to submit it to a literary journal, so it’s gone through some really heavy editing. If I do say so myself, the last line is perfect, but the middle I’m not quite sure about.

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