i used to run myself weary
used to dream of all-nighters and self-loathing
to some darkly academic beat
i used to fantasize about statues built in my honour
about going down in history
i used to ruin my teeth
while i chewed up rocks to dust
and sometimes i still feel the rush
slip down my spine
want to stay up ‘til 3am and wake up at 5
’cause then i bet you’d be so proud
you’d sing me a dance and you’d destroy yourselves
to my apocalyptic glow
i used to want it with all my heart
exhaustion and glory
i used to wear a brave face like a trophy
take pride in bitterness and pain
and now i am tired from years of running empty
now i can’t help but dream of stupid things like gentle kisses
on foreheads with no motive in mind
like brownies and dumplings and secrets to keep
now i lie on my bedroom floor
trying to differentiate between depression
and just wanting to sleep
’cause i miss simple things
i can taste them on my lips
i miss peppermint tea
i miss courage and panic
burning out like matches
i don’t recognize the person
i see in the photos; her manic grin
her aching back
but i want to keep trying
i want my brave face back