8am; wake up. check your phone. scroll through the notifications, check again you’re all alone. check again, check again, find something to latch onto like a dog with a bone. file your teeth into sharpened points, do anything if it’ll just make someone look. look, look, look at me.
10am; wake up. bubble bath rush through your chest. ’cause they love you now, they love you so. and now it’s all worth it, right? all those late nights and stupid fights, and bruises on soft skin.
12am; make lunch. put on music, check your phone again. check it until your fingers ache; ride the high for all it’s worth. maybe you’re going to be forever alone; shivering and violent, surrounding me on every side. draw pictures on your skin. you want to dye your hair, but who are you kidding?
1pm; bathe in the glow of that silver right, and think about people who don’t exist. who will never love you as much as you love them; dedicate your life to a quicksand pit until there are no ugly words left lingering in your throat.
6pm; check, check, check again. skitter and look away. it’s easy to say just appreciate the moment when you’re pretty, and perfect. when you’ve got a yacht, and a million dollar car, and no demons at the baggage claim.
12am; they say you’re perfect, and you’re staring in the mirror manic glint in your eyes. they say you’re perfect, they say you’re gonna be fine. and doesn’t it all sound so much better on paper? twist the sheets beneath your fingers, and dream about strangers.
The structure of this piece is pretty weird; it was this stream-of-consciousness thing I wrote a couple weeks ago. I definitely have a less idealized view of the internet than I did a few years ago. I’m incredibly grateful for it, and I loathe it with my entire heart and soul, all at the same time.