does it really matter how old i was?
and are we still doing this?
this stupid thing
where i will give you my silly putty heart
and you will weigh its innocence?
***
2000-and-something. i was soft
and guilty
quick breathing
clawing my skin off in the counsellor’s office
’cause it helped me focus, or something
as she told me, told me, told me
that my brain was wired wrong
cyborg girl, can’t be fixed
lazy and reckless and cold
and what was i supposed to do with that? you know?
except in all honesty
i can’t remember what she said
and for all i know, she might have been a perfectly nice person
who was trying her best
but i do know is how it made me feel
like a scratched hard drive
the faulty cog in the machine
who hid under tables
who cried and cried and screamed
but i built up a callous, you see
and i learned a few things that year
don’t cry in the hallways
don’t make a mess
and above all else, just try your best not to feel
’cause then i will be normal
i’ll be happy; i mean honeycomb sweet
i’ll curl my hair
and and wash my face each morning
and if you play the ukulele
i swear i’ll sing along
***
you know what?
maybe the trauma made me better
maybe it smashed my head against the rocks
until poetry bled out; maybe it taught me
to pick my friends carefully
and keep going on
but i was a child
i shouldn’t have had to be strong
so if you’re listening
all the way back from 2000-and-something
i’m sorry
that people hurt you
that you hurt yourself
cause you deserve good things
twirly dresses, bookstore gift cards
play-fights and daydreams
and raspberry hope
i know it’s hard right now, though
i know you trip over your circuits
i know you can’t stay in time
and i’m still working it out
but i do know:
that knife-wounds will soften
and burn marks will fade
and i am trying to be better
every fucking day
Is this becoming a series? Maybe. Probably. I don’t know, I really like this format, and also, writing this piece made me very emotional.
Lots of love,
Lorna
theweesmirk
“cause you deserve good things
twirly dresses, bookstore gift cards
play-fights and daydreams
and raspberry hope”
Brilliant piece! I hope there’s a series!
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lornawritesthings
aw, thank you!! i’m glad you liked it ❤
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