when i was a kid, i loved swimming
going fasterfasterfaster, feeling the water part around me
like a god
a good daughter
a proper lady
.
so i learned frontstroke, and backcrawl
and even tried to pick up butterfly
but i couldn’t
my tissue paper body ripping at the seams
i still try it sometimes, out of habit
’cause you would have been so happy
.
when i was a kid, i realized
there was no warning sign i could not dismiss
false confidence and forced bravado
i was born for this
.
to cry on camera
’cause i can make misery look gorgeous
straighten my hair
and shatter my life like stained glass
and get drunk on my own tragedy
.
so i swum down to rock bottom
and stayed there ’til my lungs burned
i remember how i learned to worship the pain
and grab bricks from the bottom
drag them up with feeble kicks
of little feet
.
remember thinking to myself, on a bad day
that if i could just stay under the water
i’d be happy
with the tin-foil silence
that always felt like home
.
and i stopped swimming years ago
but sometimes, that feeling still slams into me
’cause i’m drowning
in the 40-hour workweek
the thrumming pressure
of it all
building up in my throat
.
i rinse off the chlorine
in an echoey changing room
and i don’t let my fears show
refresh my notifications
grab my backpack, and go home
