So, it’s been a really exhausting day, not gonna lie. I went to work after a not-great night of sleep, and got back at twelve. Sometimes, after I’m done working, I can just jump right onto my next task with maybe five minutes to get changed… and sometimes I’m so wiped out I can’t form coherent thoughts for three hours. Today has been the latter. It feels like all I can do is worry about things I can’t control.
Like, I have this existential crisis every few months or so about if I should go to university or not–if I have a choice, if my feelings are particularly relevant to this decision. I spin around and around on my little mental toilet bowl, knowing perfectly well this isn’t going to go anywhere.
I’ve just been so hard on myself of late. I’m gonna try and work on that, and hopefully go to bed early tonight.
So, I did not in fact, go to bed early. And now it’s the week after, and I feel like I could just fall asleep at my desk right now, except the moment I lie down in bed, all that exhaustion disappears, and I have to lie awake for a while.
I’ve got a big day tomorrow–school, and then a table read for the audio drama I’m working on. But weirdly, I don’t feel too nervous? That might just be the sleep deprivation.
It’s really cheesy, but I’ve been thinking a lot about something a teacher told me a while ago–you have to enjoy the process, because otherwise, what’s the point? I’ve always been a really goal-oriented kind of person, and I really don’t mean that in the positive way. My whole life is structured in my head into milestones and check-boxe. I’ve been trying to go slower, of late. Figure out what the hell that even means.
I’m so bad at appreciating what I’ve got.
When things are quiet, and I’ve got nothing better to do, I fantasize about being this super busy famous writer–having deadlines, a management team, an editor, people whose whole job is to determine my success. A platform–like, a real one, and maybe someone would recognize me at a coffeeshop once, I don’t know. Healing people in some small way with a poem, or a story, and convincing people like me it will get better.
But when things actually happen in my life, I immediately switch to fantasizing about just having a normal life. Coming home from work and watching TV and knowing that was it–I was done, no stories to write or blog posts to edit or a thousand balls to carefully juggle.
The grass is always greener on the other side. I feel like that would be a good poem.
So, exciting news: I booked my vaccine appointment! I’m gonna get the first shot on May 30th, and I’m just so relieved to finally feel a bit safer.
I’m historically not the best with vaccines. I just don’t like strangers touching me, and especially when they’re not only touching me but stabbing me with a needle, it just usually sends me into at least a minor panic attack.
Aaanyway, I will be okay, it’s just not the most pleasant experience.
So, exciting news, I guess: I auditioned for a podcast, and I’m gonna audition for two more tomorrow. I play one of the characters in We Are Here, which I just decided to take on for the hell of it, but turns out, I really like it? Like, it seriously makes me so happy? And even if nothing comes of it, I’m really glad I’ve figured that out about myself and wanted to share that with the universe today. So, yeah, that’s the life update I guess.
Okay, technically I’m writing this in June now–because it’s been a not-great two days, and side effects are a bitch, but: I got vaccinated! On the 30th! And… it wasn’t an entirely awful experience? Which is weird, because I don’t think I’ve ever gotten a shot without panicking. But the lady at the vaccine clinic was so nice, and she made me feel really at ease, and in conclusion I owe her my firstborn child.
I felt really weird afterward–like the tail end of a cold, with fun add-ins of dizziness, what felt like a fever, being really sore everywhere and not being able to move your arm. I’m fine now, though.
It feels like I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s still a little far off, but I also can see that we are getting there. Which is a feeling I’ve pretty much spent the last year waiting for.
(Editing Lorna sliding in here to say that obviously, getting vaccinated is a huge privilege, and unfortunately not something everyone has access to! I’m insanely lucky to be able to get the shot at all. Okay, now, back to our regularly scheduled programming.)
I just can’t wait for the world to get back to normal. I’ll probably still be kinda miserable, but maybe a little bit less than usual. I don’t know.
Lots of love,