So, I’m starting off this year the right way: very, very tired, and totally terrified for going back to school tomorrow.
I’ve made my breakfast in advance, I have a few outfit options planned out in my head, and I’m gonna try and get up really, really early so I’ll be there on time. (Which is a thing I want to do, probably. I can show up whenever I want, technically, I’m just doing online courses at the school computer lab, but getting there after the bell always makes me feel icky and gross.)
I just want things to be better, you know? I want this time to be different! I want to finally feel safe in a stupid school building! But… I probably won’t.
There’s only been one week of 2021, but it feels like two months have already passed somehow. I’m in a weird headspace. Bouncing between giddy and ecstatic to self-destructive and miserable, which is probably not the healthiest thing, but it’s just how things are right now.
Things are really coming along, with the podcast. I just have to cast for extra roles, but other than that, I’m done! And I’m gonna be done editing the scripts first season in a month or so, which is nice.
It’s been weirdly warm around here, like springtime already. Which actually made a river flood by my house, but you know, I’ll take any sunlight I can get at this point.
Things have been pretty rough of late–I’m not gonna lie. My sleep schedule is a mess, and I’m really tired. I don’t have enough to do right now, and it’s driving me insane. Everything is coming just a bit too easy, and I don’t like that. I need a challenge, I need something to keep my crazy brain energy focused. I’m gonna try and tackle a project I’ve been procrastinating on tomorrow, so maybe that’ll help.
I’m wrapping up a project for school, next week I start Biology 12.
It’s starting to get lighter, now. My mom told me we get eight minutes more of daylight every day. I don’t know if that’s true, but I like how it sounds.
Sometimes, I feel okay. I feel like I’m doing pretty good given my circumstances, and things are gonna be fine. When I close my eyes, and I can picture exactly where I want to be in ten years.
But then there are… the bad days. When I just kinda zone out, for hours, and watch TV or read a book or whatever, and suddenly two hours have passed and my room is dark and depressing, and I have a thousand things to do, but instead I spent my whole morning binge-watching The Queen’s Gambit.
I feel like I’m not going fast enough. Like I’m running out of time.
I think I’m starting to feel better. It’s probably just because of all the nice weather of late, and the fact that the sun is starting to set just a little bit later every day–but I have been feeling better. I’ve been working really hard at some projects of late. Been thinking a lot about my old writing, and rereading through some old stuff– which has been a bit of a rollercoaster.
I kinda have a gag reflex type thing with my own writing, where I read two words and decide I hate an entire project on instinct.
But it’s not the end of the world. I can get over it.
Everything feels like it’s slowing down. Like my brain has gone into hibernation.
Last night, I deep-cleaned my bathroom, vacuumed my room, started a laundry load, made my bed, washed my face, and played guitar. Put on my headphones and worked on writing for hours on end, letting all my thoughts slip away. It was nice. I really felt proud of myself–felt calm, and safe, and relatively all right.
Like a girl with her shit together. To some degree, at least.
I only hate myself a good half of the time. And the pressing, constant anxiety is still there, of course it is, hammering at the edges of my skull. I see what-ifs, I see nightmare scenarios, I cringe at mistakes I haven’t even made yet, I live half in the future and half in the past. Honestly, sometimes I just want to throw my computer out the window and forget about any of this stuff.
But I don’t. And I guess that’s something, you know?