the lightbulbs flicker, and the sky comes down. i shiver; as fingers trace down my spine. i don’t wanna go to sleep now…
i wanna write, or maybe edit. i wanna make a cake, i wanna do the dishes. i wanna cling to you like a lifeline, and never let go. i want to have your hand in mine, and the wind in my hair, i want to get out of here.
i want to write a pretentious essay, about capitalism or moral philosophy. i want to clean my glasses, and go on long walks in the forest. i want to let the stars swallow me whole.
but the sky is dark. and it doesn’t give a shit. your heart is black, and your lies are white, but i’m tired of seeing the world in 1920’s monochrome.
i want to breathe a thousand different shades into the candlelight, i want to watch the world explode. grains of sand and toxic gas, i want it all.
but my mind is gummy, and old. i’m so tired, my love. and i hate the cold hard fact, that i don’t know how to fix you.
i just wanna sleep until june. i want hot chocolate and birthday presents, i want picnic baskets and sunny afternoons; just a moment of peace…
i want you to blow out the candles, and tuck me into bed. wish me a good night, kiss me on the forehead. and close the door behind you.
So, this isn’t surprising to anyone, but I’ve been thinking a lot about the future of late, and in general just been in a super weird place. I go between frenetic and excited to panicking to just feeling apathetic and hopeless to sobbing on the floor, and it’s exhausting.
I’m planning to graduate next year; that’s a pretty firm plan at this point. (Or at least, get to a point where I have enough credits to graduate, and any courses I choose to take from there are just things I want to learn.) Which has been giving me a total life crisis. Part of me feels like a toddler inside, and another part of me feels like I’m thirty years old, which is a headache, and I know what I want to do, but that’s just as much a blessing as it is a curse. Because what I want isn’t always particularly practical, or clear down to the details. I’ve been thinking a lot, about what I want to stand for, and who I want to be going forward–and how I’m gonna make it work.
I’m gonna be okay, I know that. I’m gonna figure out how to be at peace, if it’s the last thing I do.
I guess it’s just a bit scary and overwhelming right now. As much as my relationship with the school system, historically, has been pretty bad, it’s brought me a lot of good things too, and even though this is what I’ve wanted since I was six years old, I still sorta feel sad I’m gonna be saying goodbye to it soon. I can’t remember a time I wasn’t in school, and I don’t really know who I am without it.
But I guess that’s kinda cool. Like, a blank slate–a chance to make something better, in the next phase of my life, and to grow.
Lots of love,