it’s so sad it’s funny, the way the rotting leaves soak into my sneakers. and the cars roll past, one after the fucking other. how i pick at my cuticles until my fingers bleed, and want to scream a little bit. because i never meant to hurt myself. it just kinda… happened.
it’s depressing, and pathetic. the way each night, i tell myself i’ll get my shit together tomorrow. and i really mean it. but tomorrow never comes; it is bright and effervescent. it is new year’s eve promises, and dollar store condolence cards, screaming i’m sorry as you bang at the front door. but people are people. and i don’t think it matters anymore.
because i’ve worn myself down to nothing. mastered the art of hanging on by a thread. let my lips go numb, and my shoulders grow tense. allowed dark circles take up permanent residence…
but tomorrow warms me like a sunrise. it is the flicker in my eyes; it is the lump in my throat. one slow, careful footstep after the next; goodbye melting into hello. long car rides, clinging to the words of some stranger on the radio.
and i know what you’d say. some bullshit, about not crying because it’s over, but smiling because it happened. and of course, i’d only half believe it. but i’d cry a little bit. because your hugs were warm, and your flowers bloomed golden.
because you promised me, that tomorrow would be better. that it would be okay. and whenever i forgot, you’d teach me how to breathe again, which is stupid, and embarrassing, but… i think you might have saved me, back then.
and so i will build myself back up, like a jenga tower or some shit. and maybe it won’t be the same. maybe it’ll be wobbly, and imperfect. but tomorrow, tomorrow, it all be worth it.
Hey guys! I hope you liked this piece, I love it so much! I wrote and edited it in the same day because I was itching to get it finished. I think it speaks for itself, so I don’t have anything to say in that regard, however: I’m planning on doing a spoken word track for this piece, so expect that soon! Also, I’m working on a video for “be okay” but as soon as that’s done this is next on the chopping block.
Lots of love,
Lorna
