all i want is to go home

trigger warning: implied self harm

fields of quivering yarrow. shaking fingers, and the burn of rubbing alcohol.

and if you listen too closely, you can hear the crickets scream. so i’ll try not to focus on the pound of my heartbeat. i won’t let myself sleep.

because i won’t be vulnerable; i won’t be weak. i won’t not let you in. because to do so is to accept defeat.

so i am the shriveled-up dandelion, crushed beneath your busy feet. and maybe it’s better that way. because i shouldn’t be make a scene.

but… i’m not built for pain. for eight-hour hikes through the pelting snow, or the pouring rain. and this body was not designed to sit still and watch, as the knife falls. because i’m not a fucking piece of meat. and i hate that… but it’s true. you know what i mean?

My mom has a really insanely high pain threshold. This is probably TMI, but when she gave birth to me, she didn’t take painkillers at all, and instead got through it with this self-hypnosis technique she learned. Which I respect the shit out of–honestly, I don’t think I could handle something like that.

My point is, I’m not like her. I mean, not now, anyhow–maybe when I’m fifty, I will be, but to date, I’ve always been sensitive. I’ll notice the moment I think someone’s breathing gets heavy, or when they slam down a bag of groceries, or any other hint I might be falling out of their favour… and sometimes, that’ll be enough to send me into a panic, even though I’m not in danger. I cry because I lost my keys, because I don’t know what to make for lunch, because my bike tire is flat… and because of more serious things, too. Because I’m scared of the world. Because I’m scared of myself. Because I don’t know what to do… and no matter how hard I try, I can never keep those feelings quiet from my friends and family for very long. I’m just not one to suffer in silence.

Sometimes, I think I’ve spent my whole life wishing I could be like my mom–able to put up with that much pain with no help at all. But that’s not who I am. I can’t just sit and ignore it, when I’m in pain, and wait for it to resolve itself. I seek help when I need it, because that is the kind of person I am. And I’m glad. Because, as frustrating as it can be to be this emotional, it’s also saved me from doing a lot of really dumb things before.

Lots of love,


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