prayers to nobody

i’ve never believed in god. some man in a toga, sitting up in the clouds, telling me who to be. honestly, that concept… it kind of terrifies me.

but despite all that, i find myself, staring out the window. listening to the same song on repeat, as i plead, again and again for the softest whisper of relief.

for autumn leaves, crunching beneath my feet. the quiet whir of a sewing machine.

for just one more week. of swimming in the river, and stopping up by the general store afterwards, to splurge on soda in glass bottles, and ruffles all-dressed. for warm sweaters; your hand in mine, and a gentle silence.

that’s all i want, all right? so… it’d be nice. if anyone could help me out with that.

As fall draws nearer—and the second wave of COVID with it—I’ve really started to worry. After all, this was why I didn’t want to come out of quarantine in May. Because I didn’t want to get used to seeing the people I love only to have them ripped away all over again.

School went back for me a few days ago. (As I write this, I’m actually on my way home—I do a lot of my editing on the bus.) I had a pretty all right day. I got a fair bit of stuff done, I got out of the house, I did not have a panic attack, and honestly by my standards that’s pretty great. I thought I’d hate the mandatory masks, but to be honest this is the best thing ever. I mean, I have a super cute mask for one, and for two it just feels really safe and comforting to me. Like i’m wearing a secret suit of armour. Also, I get to stick my tongue out at people and no one can tell. Everyone is taking it seriously too, and following all the guidelines, which is good.

But despite how amazing it feels to just have some semblance of a routine—every minute is tainted by the knowledge that if one little thing goes wrong, I could go into quarantine again. And although I know I can’t actually control it, and that I’m being as safe as is humanly possible, it still feels like it’s all my fault somehow.

Things are scary right now. Sometimes, to be honest, I just lie awake at night, wondering what I’m going to lose next.

And that’s okay. What you are feeling right now, and however you are dealing with this is okay. And it is valid. I don’t have answers, and I don’t know what to say to make it better. But I hope you know that you’re not alone.

I’m curious: how are you handling the anxiety of this whole situation? If you’re in school, what’s it look like for you? I’d love to know, so feel free to fire me an email or drop me a comment. 🙂

Lots of love,


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