when it rains, it pours

we’ve got five seconds. until we’re going overboard.

and my heart… my heart is wound up in string. it is the pelican on tv, caught up in discarded fish netting. yet another fucking sign the world is ending…

we’ve got four seconds, now. so please just know that i’m sorry. and i’ll fix this. i promise… just be patient with me…

three seconds. time is running out now, and i can’t stop hyperventilating. i thought we were safe now, but i guess the times are changing.

two seconds. the water rises. and i can’t speak clearly. so i’ll scream, goddammit. so i’ll flail about in the ice-cold water frantically. because whatever happens, i won’t go out silently.

one second. you’ll offer me a lifeboat, but i can do it myself. and i refuse to let anyone help me.

so when it rains, it pours. and when i wash ashore, completely numb, please don’t make a big deal out of it. i know what i’m doing.

These days, it’s hard not to feel like the world is ending.

I grew up on a steady diet of financial dramas, BBC documentaries, and climate change films. I’ve seen so many, it’s insane. If you ever want to just talk to a walking directory of climate change documentaries, feel free to hit me up.

And partially as a consequence of seeing these so young, I’ve always grown up with the vague assumption that I am probably not going to live past 30. Whether it be because of food shortage, or war, whatever, you name it. Whether or not that assumption is true or not, I don’t think it matters. The point is, that’s how, in the back of my mind, I have always planned my life. Doesn’t mean that the prospect of my premature death makes me happy, but I still think it’s likely.

Maybe that’s why I’ve pursued success at such a young age. Because if I’m not a global sensation by the time I’m eighteen, I mean, what’s left for me? I’ve failed. Even if all along, I was set up for failure, I failed. As I see it, I’m already halfway through my lifespan.

I think in so many ways, young success is Gen-Z’s ideal. Our influencers on social media, our musicians, the activists we might look up to… how many of them are under 25? Maybe it’s just who I follow, but a fair majority of them aren’t far over twenty, and older creators generally favoured by my generation feel like the exception, not the rule.

In no way am I saying that those people aren’t absolutely badass and amazing, or that honing your craft at a young age isn’t impressive and wondeful, because as a young creator, however small, I’d be a hypocrite to say that. But I also feel like when no one ever acknowledges it, it can be toxic; and it’s also just a very interesting part of my generation’s culture to me.

I don’t know how much of this is a girl thing, how much of this is a teenager thing, and how much of this is a Gen-Z thing, but, I don’t know, it’s something I felt like unpacking.

Lots of love,


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