sunflower shell

i am but a girl of paper flowers, and barely-healed scar tissue now

locking all the doors, and finally understanding

how a small stretch of silence can feel so deafeningly loud

but i just don’t get it. i did all the things you asked so

why do i still feel like i’m being watched, somehow?

why can’t i breathe? as the phantom wolves call out

and i run, and i run, and i run

like a girl of paper flowers, and barely-healed scar tissue should

without a single doubt.

but… i never intended to be like this; a sunflower shell

of a person. just wandering through this endless wood, whispering my name like a prayer;

begging the trees to finally be heard. understood.

but we all know the truth

i’m never going to outrun my childhood.

For so long, I have been afraid. Afraid of making so much as the tiniest sound, because if I did, someone would notice me, and if someone noticed me, I was probably going to die, because receiving any kind of attention in the past has always been a negative thing.

I don’t even think about it, sometimes. Little things I’ve long since given up trying to do, because the level of anxiety they cause me is so high it’s just not worth the reward. Stating my mind. Presenting anger or frustration in any public way. Standing up for myself, without apologizing first. Making any kind of major change to the world around me. Allowing myself to be known, or recognized publicly.

If I let myself do those things, maybe it would be pretty awesome, maybe it wouldn’t–I don’t know. But it doesn’t matter. Because right now, I can’t. It’s just… too much for me.

I’m trying to take back… the little things, though. After all, the Statue of Liberty wasn’t built in a day. And sometimes, I guess that’s all you can do. Let yourself wear a miniskirt or a crop top and not feel ashamed, if that’s your thing. Every day, try your best, to reclaim all those little parts of myself the world took away. And allow yourself to have hope–that someday, we’re going to get there. We’re going to be able to get up in front of the world, and say… Hey. This is me. Using our real names.

Lots of love.


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