you’re watching me. i can feel it. laughing, as i trip, and fall. fixing my hair, and makeup, because dear god, little girl, this can’t be all…
you’re coming for me. no matter what you say; i know. and i won’t stop you, when you stuff me in the backseat, my wrists tied up. after all… i’ve nowhere else to go.
so i stand here. and i wait. my heart, drip-drip-dripping, down the drain. as i lie on the floor, waiting for the world to fade away.
you’re closing in on me. i can feel it. with every pounding heartbeat, every thrashing footstep. there’s no point trying to stop it.
because i don’t know what i did exactly, to earn this punishment. but whatever it was… i know i deserve it.
I’ve often been told I’m my own worst critic. And that’s very much true. In social situations, I’m constantly trying to envision what other people would think of every little thing I do. There’s a whole entourage of voices in my head, feeding off my paranoia and fear. Often, it feels like everyone is watching me, like if I so much as breathe the wrong way someone is going to hurt me. Ruin me. Using the metaphor of a jury, ruling on my every decision–no matter how minor–is something I’ve toyed with for a long time, and tried to write into a poem many, many times; mostly with very little success. But I personally really like how this poem turned out, and I’m generally pretty satisfied with it–and I hope you like it too. 🙂
Anyhow. That’s… that is social anxiety for you, I guess. What are you guys’s experiences with social anxiety? How do you deal with it?
Lots of love,