these muscles are made of steel and dried up bones; found between the shifting desert sands, and you have to keep going. because if you don’t, you’re going to die alone.
these muscles are made of sink-or-swim mentality. a stubborn desire to survive against the crushing pull of the tide…
these muscles were made of nights spent alone. wondering if i’ll ever truly be known. this strength was made of broken gods, and lessons learned far too early…
these muscles were borne of fury. the childlike determination to never again let you help me. because i’m better now. don’t you see?
but sometimes… on a good day… i get tired of being angry.
because this strength was borne of hope, too. despite everything. stubborn dreams and storybook endings, stitched together carefully.
set in stone by the simple act of reaching out a hand. and entrusting my life to your gravity.
Throughout my life, strength has meant… a lot of different things to me. When I was younger, strength was independence. It was being able to handle myself, without any help. It was being able to hold back my emotions–and yeah, to a degree, being able to regulate your feelings and understand when you need to hold onto them, and when you need to let them go.
But as I’ve gotten older; grown and changed… what I define strength as has changed. Because I know this is cliche, and it’s been said a million times before, but being able to admit that you’re struggling before a complete stranger–it’s one of the bravest things a person can do. And the me who never let anyone in, who insisted on doing everything on her own wasn’t really strong at all. At that point in my life, I was probably the most fragile that I’ve ever been.
Now I’m officially out of therapy–which is a whole thing, by the way. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned that on the blog yet, but, uh, yeah. My last day was on Monday, and it’s been… probably the longest three days of my life. I’ve kind of been reevaluating my whole life, to be honest, and thinking about a lot of things–and this poem is one of the many things to come out of that. I’m not sure what’s going on in my life right now, but… I feel like I’m on the edge of breaking through, somehow. Like for the first time in a long time… I have a small grain of hope.
Lots of love,