armageddon; knocking at the door. and i don’t know what’s coming, and maybe i’m out of my mind. but maybe i’m the only one who can see it for what it is anymore.
and maybe this is pointless. but maybe i will drown in the sands of time as the sky collapses, faster and faster. rereading the books of my childhood, desperately searching for answers. because what if i’m not as good a person as i made out to be? what if… what if i deserve this, just as much as anybody?
but maybe… maybe it doesn’t matter.
because i’m gonna make it. you hear me? you’re gonna see me, on the billboards someday. and maybe i’ll have worked myself down to skin and bone; honed beneath a red-hot flame, but whatever.
i’ll do anything, if it gets me out of here.
Last night, I guess I had a whole mini life crisis thing? I thought I was done with this stuff, and I was in the clear and finally feeling, like actually okay, but nope, apparently not. Or, I don’t know, actually I think mostly it was just due to sleep deprivation and stuff.
Anyhow, there was just this moment, where I had all of these really scary intrusive thoughts, and I was also on Twitter, which I only have because it’s good for networking and stuff, and otherwise is basically just terrible, and kind of my anxiety personified as a social media platform. What can I say, I’m a Tumblr kinda gal true and true. (Oh my god, that was actually horrible, never let me say that again.) Anyhow. I guess it just felt like everything was happening too fast somehow, and I couldn’t breathe, and it was… I don’t know everything just felt really big, and scary. I think this is just such a Gen-Z experience to grow up with the knowledge that you’re probably not going to make it past 25 due to climate change and pollution and shit–and the mindset that although people will tell you it isn’t true, there’s really not much you can do about it. That’s kind of what I tried to write this poem about–that just, really sad, hopeless feeling that I just feel like so many kids in my generation have grown up living with.
I don’t know. Everything is just scary right now, I guess. And I wish the world in reality was as nice as people act like it is.
Lots of love,