i don’t… like not being in control. you know that?
acid, spitting up in my veins. bubble, bubble, boil and trouble. and it would be so easy, wouldn’t it? to just… destroy it all. let the acid burn against warm skin, let the walls dissolve into nothingness. get rid of everything i’ve spent my whole life working towards in an instant.
and even a broken girl like you can play god for a moment. destroy her life with just one motion, and spin around across the stage of your own destruction, ash raining down…
and it doesn’t have to be perfect. and maybe it’s falling apart at the seams, but it came together fast. and easy. and these days, isn’t that all people really want you to be?
that’s what you said. just make it nice and quick and sleazy. make yourself some black coffee at two in the morning even though it makes you nauseous and just do it. i thought this was who you wanted to be?
and it really is easier to break things than create them. isn’t it?
because i want to destroy everything i see.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve been feeling very self-destructive during quarantine, and even as the restrictions in my area start to loosen, and I’m able to return to something somewhat resembling my normal life–to what is essentially my normal life, just with a lot more gloves and masks and hand sanitizer. I’m always self-destructive, but now with the lockdown it’s just taken on a whole other level of intensity. Sometimes, it feels like I’m punishing myself just for taking up space; for having a body. Sometimes I just feel so hopeless that, I don’t know–what’s even the point in trying? I tear myself down because I’m so scared of disappointment, so scared of change, so scared of being laughed at and judged… I don’t know. I think everyone is just really scared in general right now, and having anxiety combined with that public worry going around… well, it’s definitely not helping me out.
I wish I had any tips for dealing with this feeling, and I will definitely tell you guys if I figure out how to–however right now I really don’t know what to do about it, although I’m obviously working on that. I guess it’s just such a deeply ingrained habit that I really don’t know what to do about it. I mean, I’ve been doing this all my life.
Oh! On another note, I’m lowkey thinking about starting a more typical YouTube channel with vlogs and recurring video series and stuff like that, just because I do sometimes wish I could produce more light and casual content, mixed in with my more heavy stuff, and since I did my face reveal that is totally possible. Would anyone be into that?
Lots of love,