trigger warning: blood, body image issues, self-harm
too fat. all boxy. weird hips. wrong thighs.
scabs across her cheeks, like some kind of battle wound. chapped lips; bad makeup. salty tear residue.
baby cheeks. ugly smile. bad wrists. and no matter how hard this little girl tries, there’s always going to be something wrong with it.
and when i look in a mirror, sometimes i can still feel it. that time last summer i scratched at my stomach until i drew blood, desperately searching for a way out of this prison. and it never fixed anything. did it?
but… i don’t know, this body has been through some pretty hard shit. and i’d rather look like this then go back to the way it used to be. constantly chasing after whatever pain they called beauty. because beauty means love, right? and love means happiness…
love means freckles like stardust. and… i don’t know. i like my shoulders, i guess.
love means eyes like nebulas; a smile that doesn’t have time for your bullshit. and it’s ok that you’re tired. you don’t have to be perfect. this ribcage is no longer a battleground. no one’s gonna hurt you.
you can lay your weapons down.
I have a very strange relationship with body image, and often a very fraught one. I guess this poem was just a small way to talk to myself, and make sense of all these crazy thoughts spinning around in my head. I usually go between this, like, healthy-normal-person level of self-esteem… and then five minutes later, I feel like my body is a prison. I don’t know, I’m tired–I feel like anything I say about this beyond that is just going to come out like gibberish.
I guess I just want to say, to anyone reading this, I don’t know. Nothing I say can fix it, but just know that even if you don’t feel like it, beauty standards are bullshit, you’re pretty fucking awesome no matter what, and imperfection is what makes us human. I guess. I mean, it’s pretty hypocritical coming from me, but still. You deserve to feel good inside your own skin.
If you need to reach out for help, no matter what you’re struggling with, find resources in your area here. Please know that you are not as alone in this, and you deserve to feel better.
Lots of love,