pixelated visions of a perfect world. and what’s happening anymore? because i honestly don’t know. pinterest fashion, tumblr memes. the same song on loop for, hours on end.
and yeah, i know i’m not alone. i know there are a thousand people out there who might be feeling the exact same way but that still doesn’t change that i am still stuck at home.
and that the birds sing, the wind blows, and jesus fucking christ, is there even a world out there beyond hex colours and html code? because at this point, i honestly don’t know. and i shudder with exhaustion, leaning into these dusty bones. and i don’t want to look on instagram. i don’t even want to turn on my phone. i just want to see you again.
but i can’t. not now.
So not to sound like your fifth grade health teacher who definitely got more than the designated two seconds of screen time we were supposed to have at that age, but… screen time has actually been, in all seriousness, really weird for me of late. Since my entire life exists on either my phone or laptop, it’s not really hard for me to spend, like, my entire day just sitting there in the same room and barely moving at all. Sometimes I forget to eat, almost every night I end up staying up far too late than is healthy panic-editing or panic-writing something or other, trying to think through my exhaustion–I guess what I’m trying to get at is after day after day of that, it all sort of starts to blur. Everything goes by in fast-forward and slow-motion at the exact same time. And suddenly, it’s like you’re not sure where you begin and where your work, and this artificial thing ends. And you feel fake, and shallow, and I don’t know. It just sucks, and it’s what I drew on as I wrote this poem. And, um, I should have some smart important things to say right here other than that but I’m having trouble keeping my eyes open actually so, um. Yeah, basically the TLDR is that I’m a mess and I keep dissociating because my entire life is working now and wrote this as a way of getting all those icky feelings out a little, even though I still struggle with this a lot to be honest. Also, lockdown is a bitch.
I hope you’re all doing as good as you can be. I hope today is a good day for you. I hope a lot of things, I guess. I don’t know, the 1am brain is working and there is a 200% chance this whole post is incoherent but I am just too tired to care right now.
Lots of love,