december 1st, 2019

go ahead. leave me alone. close the door, and turn off the light. it’s fine. you were going to forget about me anyway. don’t try to lie.

and so go ahead, okay? leave me with nothing but dust, and ash, and an empty head. and i’ll curl up in a ball and pretend that i don’t know what i am without another person holding my hand.

because i get it. i’m not that memorable. and if i wasn’t there to remind you i exist, i’m pretty sure you’d probably just forget about it. and go make new friends.

because there are people out there who will help you. it’s just… i’m tired of having to scream my lungs out, and stamp my feet into the ground, and tear myself apart just hoping you’ll notice.

so just… promise me, that if i close my eyes. that if i hand you everything that matters. that if i fall apart in your arms, and give you all the chances in the world to leave me, you’ll still be there.

Ugh. Feelings of abandonment are really hard for me, and definitely something I’ve been struggling with of late. I just want to put a note on this that honestly, in reality, my friends are awesome and amazing and I love them to bits–even if anxiety makes me worry about being hurt or abandoned by them. These thoughts are not, in any way, based in reality, and I’m sorry if this sounds melodramatic. I know it kind of sounds melodramatic. But my brain has honestly been really melodramatic of late.

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