just a little unsteady

shaking hands. paranoid thoughts. and i think there’s something wrong. because i can’t breathe. can’t think clearly. spent the entire morning just trying to get over my anxiety. 

pounding heart, and i think i’m alone in the world, and someone please acknowledge me.

and of course you’ll try to talk me out of it. you’ll grab onto my hand, and tell me you love me. tell me you love me. tell me you love me…

but it never sinks in. not properly. i can’t feel the floor or my mind or the vague sensation of gravity, could someone please tell me what’s happening to me.

and if there’s a pill i could take. a magic spell i could say. or, i don’t know, something to squirm through the plot holes of my mind and make it all go away that would be great thanks. good bye. ok.

i am ok. i am ok. i am ok. animated motions, watching myself from far far away. and you know, this is the thing about anxiety: there are days when it’s honestly ok. days when my mind is deep, dark lake and yeah it’s a little scary, and cold, and generally shitty but… i don’t know, maybe in the right light maybe we could still call it pretty. 

and then there are days like this. when my mind is a tsunami. when the dark thoughts bear down upon me, and there’s nothing i can do. nothing i can say. and at this point, it’s out of my control. ok?

I keep having really bad panic attacks at school–so I guess this was my best attempt at writing it out. I’m not sure, but I’m pretty sure this poem was penned at a city bus stop while I was waiting for the bus to come take me home from school, but not entirely sure about that. Anyway, if you’re going through the same thing as I am right now–if you’re in the same, dark, shitty place where everything feels like it’s encompassed by a mental illness, I just want to say that you’re valid. And it’s hard. It’s so hard. But you are never the only one who feels like this. And I know we’ll get through it. ❤

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